I don't think it's gonna get better. It's all a fucking nightmare. I think I'm the problem. They alway tell me "It's not you it's me" or "You're loved" but I know its not true. Crying at 3 am doesn't help but it does something. And I can't cut myself cuz I promised them. "I'll get better." What a fucking lie, just like my mom said she would stop drinking well look where she is now. Up in her room sleeping cuz she's been drinking a lot. And what makes it even worse is that my aunt is saying that it's fine NO ITS NOT IM A FUCKING CHILD I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HIDE FROM MY MOM CUZ IM SCARED. But whatever, it's normal. Right? No it's not. And I can't stop thinking that I'm gonna become my mom. Every time I look in the fucking mirror I'm reminded that I'm my moms child. I hate this but if I try to do something about me not wanting to live I'll have to go back to the mental hospital with screaming 6 year olds. I wish I wasn't born. I wanna jump. But I can't. I promised her. And I can't break that promise. I hate this. I FUCKING HATE IT. Not only that but I hate almost everything. I don't want to eat anything cuz I'm too fat. I don't wanna love someone cuz I know I'm just gonna get my heart broken. But yet I have a boyfriend and I love him so much that I can't stand to be without him and I wanna marry him but he's mad at me and I can't fix it. I want to so badly. But I can't. I can't fix anything. But whatever I know I'm a mistake anyways. Everyone hates me. My friends. My family. My boyfriend. And even myself. But yet I'm still here. But why? I've been wandering that since I was 7. And I can't change the fact that I'm here cuz I made a promise and I can't never break it. EVER. Not until I'm 50. But that's only 38 years away. Damn. 38. I'm gonna hate this. But I already do so what's gonna happen to make it worse. Oh wait I know! Me fucking living. I can't do this anymore but I have no choice. I can't escape. Ever. Just let me out. Please. End my suffering. Please. I don't think I can do this. The best Christmas present I'll get is a gun to the head. That sounds great. Best thing ever. I dream about it every night. I wanna put a gun to my chest and shoot myself in the heart. Yay! Sounds like a dream. But it's just a dream. Just like me ever being loved. Just a dream. Tell me that you love me and hold me close. That's what I want but not all things that we want we can get. I don't wanna be here. Please help. Please. I wanna fucking end it all. Christmas lights aren't the only thing I'm hanging this year. I've given up on my life. But who cares? That's right! No one. I hate my life. But I don't fucking care. Don't you just love that feeling when you know someone doesn't give a shit about you but you still keep trying to make them love you but you just know you can't. Oh and don't forget about the feeling that you're alone in this world and you can't do anything about that. Yeah you might say "same" or "I feel that way too." But no. YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW. Don't you just love life? Cuz I sure as hell know that I don't. When I die I'll have the biggest smile on my fucking face. I live near a train so I could just go over there and get hit by the train but I'm not the crazy. Am I? Yes I am. I don't wanna be here but I have to do that I can take care of them. Cuz I'm the help. I'm 12. I can't get fucking help but yet I have to help a 52 year old woman. Yeah life is so fucking fair. I love this. Life is so great. And I'm gonna tell myself that until I feel better. But that's all a lie. I'll never be better. But I'll keep wishing on the shooting stars. But they're all just comets. I'm a fucking mess and not a hot one either. Can I just go. No I can't cuz I have to. "You have a purpose in life." They say. Shut the fuck up. I know you're fucking lying bitch. I asked if my Alexa loves me and even she said no. That just proves my point. NO ONE FUCKING LOVES ME. But that's fine. If I could just have one moment of happiness, that would mean the world to me. But every time I get close the universe takes it all away from me. Fuck you universe! I'm gonna end it. All of it. My life. My everything. I've already turned my arms to a zebra. People call me emo for that but at this point I don't even care. Call me what you fucking want I'll be gone soon anyways. But first I'll have to see my last sunset. I love sunsets. The only thing that I actually love. Well except for my boyfriend of course. He's the best thing ever and I wanna spend every little moment with him but I can't. I wish I was old enough to drive. So that way I could see him whenever I wanted to I would be happy. But I'm not. When I die, tell my "friends" that I loved them. All of them. Even though I know they're all fake. But at this point I don't fucking care. I'm just used to it. Well, bye guys.
