Summer Went Away | Cam Cameron (2)

Memory Lane

Sitting crisscrossed on the floor of the basement living room I looked at the bookshelf full of scrapbooks. Mom made a scrapbook for everything and when we were old enough, we helped. She had scrapbooks from the day Conrad and I were born all the way up to our last summer in cousins. I glanced over at her desk with the half-finished one she'd started (I started it, she just told me what pictures she wanted and if she wanted anything special to be written down) before she passed.

It was filled with pictures from Jeremiah's first day of Senior year, us moving Connie into college, me sitting in my room doing online school, everyone at my production of Heathers at the community theater program, countless selfies she and I had taken, Prom picture from all of us because even though we graduated Conrad went with Belly and I flew to Cousins to go with Cameron, she even had pictures from the first time Cameron came to visit.

That scrapbook will get finished. And I will create countless more because it's what she would have wanted.

I looked at all the albums, pulling down the one titled "Twinnies take over Cousins"

I laughed sadly at the picture of mom holding Conrad and me on each of her hips during our first time at the summer house, we were about two months away from turning one. At that point, if mom hadn't put a bow in my hair you wouldn't have been able to tell Connie and me apart. Laurel stood to the side with her hand on her stomach, she was probably about seven months pregnant with Steven. Mom didn't know it yet, but she was pregnant with Jeremiah in that picture too.

I touched the plastic cover of the photo album, silently thanking it for keeping my tears from destroying lifelong memories. Lifelong memories with the person who's no longer here.

Memories are such a crazy thing. It's weird to say, but I wish I could remember the moment she passed. I know I was there. I know Jeremiah was...I don't know where he was. I know Conrad was...I think Conrad was on his way back from college. I think I was holding her hand... I hope I was holding her hand.

Everything else is just filled in, filled in with things people tell me or by looking back at old text messages with Cameron.

I know she passed away on February eighteenth at 3:22 am. I know I texted Cameron the night before that she was getting worse. And I know I didn't text him again until after 6:37 pm that night.

2-18-15 • 6:37

Emilia: She's gone

Cameron ♥: Oh my gosh. Beautiful, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to call you? What do you need? I love you.
Cameron ♥: We will all be there as soon as we can. We love you.

Emilia: we?

Cameron ♥: Yes, baby. Like we said, Mom, Dad, and Shelby are coming. We're all going to be there for you.

Emilia: okay

Cameron ♥: Do you want me to call you? Or are you with your brothers? What do you need beautiful?

Emilia: I'm fine

Cameron ♥: Can you just tell me who you're with?

Emilia: no one. Boys are in their rooms. I don't even know how to help them.

Cameron ♥: Let me call you, that way you're just with someone. Let me help you, my love.

Then I remember leaving him on read. Grabbing the blanket mom knitted for me and my childhood stuffed animal and staring off into space. I don't remember where dad and Laurel went. And I don't remember how I convinced them to let me stay.

"Emilia?" Jeremiah yelled, shaking me out of my thoughts. "Whatcha doing?"

I smiled up at him, "My daily routine. Classes got out, your snack is on the table, now I look at pictures."

"I'm not even in that picture," he scoffed.

I laughed at pointed at mom's stomach, "yeah you were. Mom ate sushi the whole time too, maybe that's why you're so crazy."

He rolled his eyes, "Very funny, and you don't need to keep making me snacks. I'm a big boy."

Cameron ♥: out of school and heading to baseball practice. I love you, I'll text you after!

I smiled down at my phone, resting my hand on the text.

Emilia: I love you. I can't wait, practice hard, and don't get hurt.

"Cam Cameron?" Jere asked.

"Yeah."

He sat down next to me and pulled out the scrapbook from last year at the summer house, "When is he coming back here?"

I shrugged, "I might head to cousins on his spring break."

"You'll leave?" He asked. "What about Conrad...he will be back."

I shook my head, "Their breaks don't line up. I'll be gone for part of yours but I'm sure you'll find enough people to entertain you."

He leaned his head on my shoulder, "I'm more worried about you, Melia. Are you sure you are going to be okay at Cousins after mom...yknow...yeah."

"I'll be okay, bear. And I'll bring muffins home with me," I laughed, kissing the top of his head.

"You're always 'okay' I don't know how you and dad do it," he admitted. "I still cry almost every night," his voice broke. "I don't know how you just...I cry just thinking about her and you never cry."

I rubbed his back softly, "It's okay that you cry, baby bear. It's good that you show your emotions and ask for help. Now please go eat your snack."

He wiped his eyes and gave me a fake salute before walking upstairs, "Yes ma'am."

I've gotten surprisingly good at pretending. I always knew I could pretend to be someone I wasn't on stage, but I didn't know I could do it in real life too.

I quickly learned the signs of depression that people look for during my relationship with Easton. As long as I have a somewhat normal sleep schedule, shower, keep up on my skincare, and eat, no one will notice that things are going wrong.

I've gotten so good at pretending that even Conrad doesn't notice. I hope that if I can convince my twin brother that I'm fine, one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to convince myself too.