Were's the Love?

Chapter 42: Those Nasty Little What Ifs and A Pillow Full of Crisps

There comes a time in everyone's lives when lightning strikes their mind and they realize something. A moment of profound clarity where everything, yet nothing, makes sense. That second where you think to yourself "ohhh" as a light bulb pops on over your head. It could be something fantastic that you suddenly realize, like what career you were meant to have or what you want to do with your life. Or, it could be something horrible, like the realization that the person you've been dating is a cheating asshole or that everything you thought you knew was wrong. Most of the time, it's something you've known for a while, but refused to acknowledge.

I mean, let's face it, most people who are dating assholes know deep down that their significant other is an asshole. It's not some life shattering surprise, just surprising that it took you so long to admit how much of an asshole they really are.

And I'd venture to say that most of the people who figure out what career they want knew that their current job was the wrong one for them. They were just too afraid to do anything about it. Making huge, life altering decisions without some solid idea of what you want to do moving forward is scary. There's too much uncertainty and too much stress about finances and life to just quit your job in hopes that you'll figure out how to do what makes you happy.

Hell, even after people realize what they want, a lot of them still stay in whatever situation they're in. That's why there are so many miserable people in the world. They stay in jobs or with people they hate because they're afraid of failure. What if they can't find a new job in the field they want? What if that cheating asshole is the best they can do?

Those dreaded what ifs are the worst and there are always so damn many of them. What if I did this differently? What if I did leave them and end up alone forever? What if I quit and can't find a new job? What if I can't afford my rent? What if I end up homeless? What if, what if, what if...

I fucking hate what ifs.

They have occupied too many of my thoughts. As an adult and as a child, I have always been plagued by what ifs. I chose to become a teacher because "what if I can't make it as an author?" I moved back to town after college, despite having no interest in the mate drawing, because "what if I can't find a home where I feel safe shifting?" I let my previous mates do what they wanted, despite hating everything about our life together, because "what if it's just me? What if I'm the problem?" And, I held back with Jason because "what if he decides he doesn't love me? What if I fall in love with him and he leaves me?"

Those nasty little what ifs are supposed to be helpful. They are supposed to make you think about what could happen so you can be prepared for all the possible outcomes of whatever decision you're making. However, more often than not, they just scare you into making the wrong choice. Scare you into thinking that you're not good enough and that everything you want will fail. It's those what ifs that cause anxiety attacks and make people freeze up when faced with any form of decision making.

Seriously, think about it.

How many times has someone asked you something simple, like what you want for dinner, and it ignites a series of thoughts that cascade into doomsday.

"Oh, I wouldn't mind grabbing a burger from this place, but if we do that, one of us will have to leave the house. What if it starts raining? What if we run across some drunken idiot who got behind the wheel and we get into an accident and you die? What will I do then? I can't live without you! I'm going to end up old and alone if we get burgers!"

Okay, so clearly that's an exaggeration, but I'm sure you get the picture. It's really a surprise people leave their houses at all with all the what ifs floating around.

But I digress.

I have been so worried about what would happen if Jason realized I wasn't who I thought I was, that I kept fighting against what I knew deep down. I kept fighting the fact that I've fallen in love with the idiot. And I have. I'm in love with Jason and it took a silly card he made for me over a decade ago to get me ready to admit it to anyone.