So This is Goodbye

This fic is an answer to Last Exit. It does not require you to read said story, but if you do, read that one first. This is from the other perspective.

WARNING: suicidal themes and other touchy subjects.

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Well... here goes nothing. I'm so sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm just so useless.

Wait, here it comes-

...

Augh... my head hurts...

Ow...

Why am I still alive...?

I should have died...

Should... have...

...

How much time just passed? Not too much, I hope. I can't open my eyes. Don't want to.

... Am I in an ambulance? Who... whose hand is that? Is it... yours?

Your hand is so nice. It's trembling. I...

Feel faint...

...

Beep.

Beep.

Hospital, then. I think... is that you beside me?

If it is, then I want to tell you how much I care about you.

You aren't the reason for all this. Sometimes, I wish you never had to meet me. Have your heart broken. I'm sorry.

Are you crying? There's no need for that. If I could get up, I'd reach over and hug you tight. If I could hear, I'd tell you to smile again. If there's one thing I'll miss, it's those smiles of yours which became more and more frequent as time went by.

I can feel time metaphorically slipping through my unmoving fingers.

I am going to die.

I never really thought this thing through, did I? I used to chastise you for being rash.

The pain is gone now. It's just a weird throbbing in my skull.

That day... if I hadn't done what I did, then I'd probably be doing something really stupid right now. Actually, I'm almost glad I'm lying here prone instead of going and confessing to you...

I'm glad you don't have to hear my thoughts.

If I hadn't done what I did, then I'd have to have told you what I felt about... everything. You. Because otherwise the pressure would have just built up.

Actually, now that I think about it, that's what happened. Oh.

My parents don't approve. Didn't approve. Have they come to visit me yet? I hope they do. Even if this whole mess is their fault.

Could you...

...

Ow... the pain is back... my legs... my head... ow...

What exactly did I manage to do to myself, huh? Broken spine? Concussion?

... I can't even hear my own breathing anymore.

...

I'm scared now.

I never thought it would be this painful, this scary.

It's taking a long time.

Will there be angels? Will a ghost come and take me to heaven?

Probably not.

I don't deserve that.

The church wouldn't approve of me, anyway. Aren't Christians just a bunch of homophobes, anyway?

...

A sudden memory rushes to my head. You. Me. Christmas time. Snow falls down, and I have a cold. For some reason I don't have a jacket... Oh, that's right, I fell into that lake when I tripped. We had a bit of a laugh. I had to pick myself up because you were pretending to hate me... Because I... I think I stole your phone earlier...

Mm, and then you give me your jacket, even though you hate the cold. Our faces are red because of the cold...

Or at least, your face was red because of the cold.

My face was red because-

Augh! The pain just came back again! It hurts so much! Make it stop!

I wish... You know, if I could go back in time, I'd go back and revisit those times. When I enjoyed myself. I'd kill to see your face one more time...

Is that you squeezing my hand again? I'm sorry I can't reply, I'm too busy dying.

Wow, that sounded like something you'd say. You must have rubbed off on me a lot more than you'd know.

Oh, is there someone else here too? I can... almost... feel them holding my hand...

Oh.

Oh.

It could possibly be my brother. That would almost make sense.

More sense than my parents.

Has he left yet? He was often prone to making rash decisions. That's why you never saw him. He has his own house now. How funny.

That's... what you'd say. Remember?

Now, I don't want you to be sad. Because that would make me sad. Don't go and do this to yourself. Trust me, it HURTS. Like crazy. You wouldn't believe...

... My head...

This isn't your fault. I keep saying that. No.

If it's anyone's fault... well, let's not get technical, shall we?

Though I will say this: Not all those scars you probably see on my arms are from that train.

I was bullied... teased... and yet you gave up your perfect, popular life... for me? It still amazes me. You aren't really the... tsundere everyone thinks you are. Not... really...

I...

...

...I blacked out for a second there. Are you still there? Probably. Oh god, I'm feeling claustrophobic... And... my back feels like it's burning... and my... arms... and my head... stupid head...

But, those good memories with you seem to soothe my pain just a little.

Reliving that day when you gave me a hug in the change rooms.

That day when I managed to brave those auditions for choir. I was so scared. I never would have made it anyway. I was terrible, even though you protested otherwise.

You were always better than me at that stuff.

... At anything, really. I'm hopeless.

I... can't even... survive... for you...

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Augh...

... I... want... you... again...

My...

Friend...

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

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So This is Goodbye is a song by the Junior Boys. It's a good song.

Out!