lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

it's okay to cry

The door that I was leaning against suddenly was thrown open and my back hit the ground, my whole body sprawled on the floor. I whimper as I look up to see Taehyun standing over me, tears falling down his face and one of them falls on my face making my own tears ready to spill out once again.

"Kai..." He whispers and I close my eyes before opening them again to push back the tears away. My heart hurts so so much and so does my head, its like it hasn't stopped hurting for hours even though I know it's because I had been crying so much. He helps me up from the cold ground and I shiver involuntarily, so he pulls me onto his lap, in the middle of the hallway and holds me still gently. I bite my lip knowing I'll burst into tears if he starts talking and tells me how much he loves me like he always does.

"I love you, Hyuka," Well, then I broke instantly, sobbing wracking my back and my chest. Tears kept coming and he just let me cry, and cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Even if he kept whispering I love you, I love you in my ear, my head would keep telling me it wasn't true. Was it true though? Maybe my hyung did love me. I wipe my eyes furiously, trying to stop myself from getting upset about being vulnerable in front of Taehyun.

"Hyuka..."

"Do you want to talk to me about something?" He runs his hand through my hair and I sigh quietly so quiet that its barely heard. I probably should talk. I haven't been able to talk to anyone lately. I've been running from everyone so much that my head is numb and I can barely feel anything anymore.

"I- I guess," I reply, feeling defeated and awkward in my chest. I want to talk to him, honestly, but I just don't know if he would accept me if he found out what was going on.

"Okay, well take your time, I'm here,"

"In the hallway though?" He chuckles, his laughter like the sun after a thunderstorm. My lips crack into a smile also and he shrugs.

"Whatever you'd like to do," He's so freaking thoughtful and my heart warms up instantly at his words. I shift in his arms, knowing I'm way too comfortable to move.

"Ah.. I don't know... It's really comfortable here..." He smiles and I yawn, extremely tired from so much that was going on. "So you know that I have PTSD right?" He nods and squeezes my hand encouragingly. My eye twitches from nervousness and I try to take a deep breath.

"Before..before you know, before you found out I self harmed, and uh, tried to die... well Sik-nim hurt me with his words, at first it was insults and then he would sometimes slap me when I did things wrong..." Taehyun hyung stiffens and I know its with anger. He's angry at what Sik did to me. "T-then.. he would touch me in places.."

"Oh, that motherfuc-"

"Hyung," I raise my eyebrow at him and he rolls his eyes playfully. I swat him, smiling a little and I realize he probably wonders why I'm so lighthearted about this.

"Kai..why are you so light about this? That bastard touched you, he hit you, verbally abused you..." I shrug, and let out a long breath.

"I don't know.. I just try to not think about it...anyways..umm so when I saw Bahiyyih... she turned into Sik. I guess I've been having hallucinations too.." I tear up and swallow the lump back in my throat, hoping it would disappear and just let me talk for once. I don't want to be afraid of talking about this. I want to be honest with Taehyun, completely honest. He gasps at my words and just gapes at me. I lift a hand, not knowing what to say to him. Maybe you shouldn't tell him, he'll make you go to the mental hospital again.

"I mean, it's not as bad as it was, anymore! Trust me, I'm almost okay!" I say hastily, trying to hopefully ruin any thoughts my hyung had of me being crazy or going to the hospital again.

"Why didn't you tell us?" His voice is tight, as if he's suppressing anger or emotions that i can't understand.

"I was scared," I admit, my hands shake a bit. I squeeze my hands, where my fingernails almost make marks because I don't like this anymore. I feel like I might have to do flight-or-fight again. I don't want him to be angry at me. I hate it when someone's upset with me. I hate it. I really really do.

"I'm not angry at you, okay?" He notices my mannerisms, I realize, and I sigh. How much sighing will I do? I roll my eyes and belittle myself how stupid I am. Stupid to make my hyungs upset and worry about me. Stupid to make my family upset at Soobin, stupid to let Sik hurt me so much all the time. Stupid to let my mental health destroy my life. Stupid to just let everything go to my heart.

"Hey, stop thinking those things, I know you're angry at yourself." I snort, slightly pulling away from him but he doesn't let go of my waist and hands. "You shouldn't be thinking those things, I know you're thinking bad about yourself." I groan, pursing my lips and untangling myself from his limbs.

"Hyuka, do you want to get up?" I nod, and he gets up, holding out a hand for me to take. I ignore it and just get up by myself. "Alright, what's going on-" Suddenly Soobin and Yeonjun sprint towards us with my parents behind them...including my two sisters. My heart stops, everything stops. I reach my hand out to touch the wall, to lean some of my dead weight on to the wall.

"Thank goodness you're okay!" My mom exclaims, except it felt like I was underwater and I couldn't hear everything clearly. My vision started to go blurry and I could see spots in front of me.

"Whoa, Kai, what's going on?" Taehyun touches my shoulder but I shrug him off, trying to clear my head. My head pounds, the blood rushing. My fists curl even more, and my fingernails hurt my palms worse. I can't see Bahiyyih now. All I can remember is yelling at her and telling her to leave. Technically it's not my fault since I was seeing hallucinations but... I still remember being horrible.

"Soobin... Something's wrong with him."

"He's dissociating." Yeonjun realizes. It's not like I'm even here. I'm standing here but I'm not. I take a step back, into Taehyun's chest as they stare at me like I'm crazy. They think I'm crazy. Why would they be like that? They're my family. Traitors.

"Hey, hey, sweetie, it's okay," A calm, warm voice says familiarly but I don't realize who it is at all.

"Kai," My sister whispers softly, her voice calm and steady. "Look at me, you're gonna be okay."

"I don't know if we should crowd him," Soobin says to my parents and they nod in agreement. "Maybe we should go...and let.." His words disappear as I focus completely on my younger sister. She smiles at me before taking a step closer to me. I stare at her cautiously, hoping she wasn't Sik-nim.

"Hyuka," She says calmly, "I'm going to walk to you, okay?" I stare at her blankly and I can feel myself wanting to run, to hide. I know she's not Sik but I can't get the memories out of my head, seeing her almost assaulted by Sik and her turn into Sik at the hospital. I bite my bottom lip as she finally reaches me. Taehyun pats my shoulder and I flinch a little. I move away from the wall so I can just stand normal even if my knees are weak.

"Don't hurt yourself like that, oppa," She says, grabbing my hands from my sides and tells me to uncurl my fists. Crescent marks are on my skin, almost bleeding. "Oh, Kai.." I notice my parents and Soobin hyung are gone except for my two sisters, Yeonjun and Taehyun hyungs.

"You never call me oppa," I laugh suddenly, Bahiyyih looks up at me, shocked at my laughter. "It's always for the cameras," She smiles a little and grabs one of my hands to hold. Taehyun moves slightly as if he's going to move away from us but I shake my head desperately.

"Tae hyung, please... don't leave..." He moves around to hold my other hand and I start crying.