Candlelit midnights

The shins

A chapter written while listening to the shins.

The human condition
The human condition used to be an ache in your chest, it was for a long time, you thought it would always be, but that's not true.
You've grown to love your humanity, you've grown to love the way you are just like everyone else, even when you didn't feel human you always were.
Even when he did those awful things to you, even when you were alone and hurting you were human and you deserved and wanted a happy human life.
You didn't think you'd ever find that happy life, you didn't think you would that sunday afternoon feeling so you othered yourself and you drew a line between you and the world around you.
You don't feel that way anymore, you are so incredibly happy and lucky beyond words to be you, in this body, in this home, in this life.
Things hurt so much before you were so overwhelmed with dread, and you had reason to be, you needed to stop running and feel the rain hit your skin, because you cannot outrun the clouds.
But it's not raining out anymore, there's not a dark cloud in the sky.
Today you feel the sun hitting your shoulders and face.
You feel the meadow's grass beneath your feet, today the human condition is something you love more than you can put into words and metaphors.
You feel beautiful and raw, you are exactly what you are supposed to be and you will be the things you want to be soon enough.
You love laughing at the way things are and crying over sad songs.
You smile at the thought of all the little things that fill your life.
You hold the blue backpack and muffled indie music and messy bedroom floor and far too filled basket of plushies and smeared makeup and shaky hands so close to your chest because it's okay now.
It's safe to have your hands filled and your heart full of scars. It's all okay now.