Autumn was when I realized I missed you. When my heart whispered to my head that we couldn't be apart. Autumn was the time that it hurt too much. Time was never the one to be merciful. Time didn't care. Autumn is when I started to miss you. I missed you when I saw the leaves drift in the breeze. When they floated just where they needed to go. I always thought that if I had just followed them, they would lead me to you. But, as all things, the leaves had to fall. As they crashed to the ground I pondered the beauty of an ending. Yet I would sacrifice beauty to be with you without an end. As the leaves sat there in silence, I did the same. They just laid there, as did I. Time passed and the leaves cracked, shattered, they withered. As did I.
I missed you, but I did not realize. I did not see until I started to really see. I looked around, everywhere. Beyond the horizon, but also within arms reach. I looked before, yet I did not see. I did not see until I saw. Until I saw the first sunset without you, until I dreamt about you with no end, when I woke up and you weren't there, when all I tasted was salt from the tears. I did not see until you left. I did not see until I could not see you.
I always told myself that you left on purpose, yet I knew in my heart I was just lying to myself. Yet I believed. For so long I believed. I buried you behind tedious things. I buried you in my mind. Behind everything. I had forgotten, I had turned a blind eye, I had turned cold, I had numbed myself. I had forgotten, but I did not forget.
I told myself, I lied to myself, that you were gone. That it was your fault. I told myself that I didn't really miss you, that I never liked you. But in reality, I dreamt about you every night. That did not stop my denial. I just drowned the thought of you in bittersweet tears.
I lied when I said I'd never look for you. I looked everywhere. I even looked in my daydreams. I searched for you everyday. I never stopped.
I always thought you'd find me. That one day this would all be a memory. That you would save me from myself. That you would dry those bittersweet tears. That you would hold me and tell me everything would be alright. I lied to myself again. I told myself I would see you again.
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Love Contrary To Reason
RandomA journey many of us face; waiting. Waiting is what we do best. It's all we do. We wait. This is a collection of feelings. You may or may not have experienced them yourself. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky. For this situation called one...
