Daraga Series #1: The Fire's Sanctuary

Chapter 19

TW: self harm, harassment

Camilo's POV

"Fucking stupid! I can't believe I married a woman like you.." those sharp words came out from a man that many people looked up to. He was branded as someone who always works for a good cause, a light for everyone.. I never once saw him like that.

People think he's like that.. that's his character, but that's just a facade.. a mask he painted so good for him to look like someone so noble.. so kind.. so inspiring. Ang katotohanan nga lang ay isa lang siyang tuta na sunod nang sunod sa magulang niya.

I grew up in a family like that, full of traumas passed on.. at ang huli ay papunta sa akin.

"Ang tanga tanga mo!" he scolded my Mom for cooking something for him.. despite the bruises he gave, despite the painful words he said.. despite being cruel to the woman he said he will love and cherish dearly in this lifetime.

Ilang beses ko iyon pinanood, them exchanging vows.. it was documented, I watched it secretly while my mother was watching it while crying,  it was like an old movie.. two persons exchanging vows but the truth is they were just actors, they were just acting like they were so in love with each other but the truth is.. they're not.

Ilang pang kataga ang sinabi niya.. may mas masasakit pa, paulit-ulit.. he showed no mercy.

Lagi na lang ganyan, he couldn't show his true colors to other people.. the inferiority he feels for his parents became so toxic things that he couldn't say now.. laging sa amin ni Mama ang bagsak.

Lagi na lang galit kahit wala naman kaming ginagawa.

I was 3 that time, turning 4.. nakikita ko ang mga bata sa  labas namin, they we're all playing.. but I wasn't allowed to do that, because my Dad said I had to prove him and to everyone.. that I am his son. I can only prove that by being someone.. everyone looked up to.

Most of my childhood.. I just feel like I'm always walking in a broken glass.. so brittle that one wrong step it might broke into pieces.

Akala ko buong buhay ko ganoon.. but I was never thankful for the freedom I had at the expense.. of my Mom's life.

My Mom ad Dad went in a vacation naiwan kami ng kapatid ko na 4 na taong gulang palang but when they arrived from that vacation.. my mother was inside a coffin.

I asked my Dad.. kung siya ba ang may gawa, he almost killed me too.. he was so disgusted, he kept on mentioning how disappointing I was.. that was my cue, umalis ako sa bahay na iyon.

My caregiver resigned and I went with her.. she went to Manila and she said that I might not like the environment she will be staying at.. physically it was very different but the thing is.. I never feel scared. It was even unusual for me to just go out of my own room not feeling scared of the beatings I will get with just a single wrong move.

It wasn't the life my Mother wanted for me.. a studio type apartment, in a neighborhood wherein the people who live are the ones who doesn't care about safety needs in the hierarchy of needs.. the one who just thinks about the physiological needs satisfied.

Laging may nag aaway, laging may mga lasing.. pero hindi ako kailanman natakot.

Mabilis akong natuto.. na maging mag-isa because maybe I wasn't really provided the love and care I needed as a child.. that even when I was in a survival environment .. just thinking about my physiological needs.. I survived.

Kung wala si Mama sa buhay ko I wouldn't even know love.. but the thing is, she was too broken too even think about giving me the love that I needed. She would always lock inside their room so I wouldn't see her filled with new cuts.. bruises, she had to hide it but I didn't know with a young mind I was aware of it.