heartache - hyunlix

part 1

(trigger warning)

it's so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself.

when all your mind is consumed with the thought of freedom, freedom from pain- from suffering.

i looked normal. i looked like me- lee felix.

but i always look like i'm about to cry.
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"how are you doing" dr. lee asked me. ironic that me and this man have the same last name. however, very different roles in life. im the sick little fucked up duckling while he's the father bird. trying to help his fucked up kid to live.

"fine" i smile at him. always fake

my vision shifts to the many books clouding the man's desk. all types of books including those of suicide help, child abusement.

"this book is about childhood abuse" mr.lee announcing, noticing how my eyes lingered on the title of a hard covered book titled "too scared to cry". how ironic.

"it's for people who were abused" he continues.

i hum and nod.

"were you?"

the question seemed simple however terrifying.

no i was not abused as a child, nor never. if i were things would be so simple. id have a reason for being so...different.

—————————————————————

long minutes of simple conversation passed before mr.lee decided to ask "how have you been sleeping?"

sleep felt like a faraway dream as of now. a dreamland i could never reach.

"i slept okay. just woke up weird"

mr.lee took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes before continuing.

"what happened when you woke up?" he questioned.

"i was having a dream. i don't know what is was, but when i woke up, i had this awful realization that i was awake. it surprised me when i awoke. like i got hit in the balls by a dogs tail.

"a dogs tail?"

"yes. a dogs tail. that shit hurts" i reason.

"i didn't want to wake up" i continue, "i was having a much better time asleep. and that was depressing. it was almost like a reverse nightmare. like when you wake up from a nightmare and your relieved. i woke up into a nightmare".

"and what is that nightmare, felix?"

"life"

"life?"

"yes".

to be continued...