Freshman Year

9

"I am telling the fucking truth." JJ yelled, looking at the ceiling. She had never yelled back at someone, her stomach was turning and she wanted to be sick.

Emily shook her head, not understanding. "I am telling you the truth. I don't know why I lied. I could have told you the truth but I didn't. And I don't care that I did." JJ shook her head and started to open the door. "Jen, wait." Emily said, putting her hand on her arm.

JJ whipped around, pulled her arm back and slammed back against the wall, sliding down to the floor. She looked at the brunette, terrified, and couldn't breathe. Emily let her go and stepped back, holding her hands up and started crying. "Jen, I am so sorry." Emily said, scared of what just happened.

JJ shook her head and tried to snap back to reality. "It's fine." She shook her head. "I'm fine." Emily sat on the floor away from her hugging her knees to her chest. "Jennifer. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to cause this. I was just trying to get you to talk about what happened at dinner. I shouldn't have pushed." JJ sat hugged her knees to her chest and pushed her hair behind her ears.

"No. You shouldn't have." JJ was furious. She was mad at herself, at her dad, at Emily, at everyone. Emily didn't dare look at her. "Can you please just answer me honestly?" JJ didn't react. 

"JJ, do you eat?" JJ furrowed her brow, tears streaming down her face. "Please Jennifer. It's ok. Just tell me." Emily cried, she felt her tears fall onto her knees. "JJ, please. Let me help you." JJ shook her head, hands shaking with rage.

"No." She whispered, voice breaking. "Please." JJ shook her head. "I don't want to." Emily nodded. "I'm going to sit next to you. If you don't want that tell me." Emily said quietly. She gave JJ a chance to stop her but she didn't.

She crawled next to JJ and wrapped an arm around her. When JJ tensed for a minute, she lifted her arm. JJ laid into her, wrapping Emily's arms around her. "Emily, something is wrong with me." She whispered, crying into Emily's shoulder.

Emily brushed her fingers through JJ's blonde hair, holding her as close as she could. "No there isn't. You're going to be ok. I'm right here for you." They sat there for half an hour, until JJ sat up. She wiped her face and took a breath.

"I have to tell you a few things." JJ said, turning to look at Emily. The brunette brushed her blonde hair behind her ears and nodded. "When I was 11, my sister killed herself. She was 16. Roz was soccer captain, a straight a student, she was perfect."

"My parents split up and my dad um. You know. That's why I freaked out earlier." She looked at her hands and felt her lip quiver. "You don't have to do this." Emily said, squeezing her hand.

"I do. Growing up in a town without my sister meant I only got pity. Every day in school I would get these looks that just. Everyone was looking at me." Emily felt JJ squeeze her hard and she saw the way JJ shut down.

"Everyone stared at me. And I had to. They saw this tiny blonde girl with the dead sister so I had to. I had to stop. I had to be perfect." As JJ felt her body shut down, all the feelings she had started to come out.

"I was going to be perfect and I was. I was the soccer captain and I was the student speaker at graduation. Everything he said I couldn't do, I did. I did everything perfectly and it still happened. He still came home mad. If I wasn't perfect, I didn't deserve to eat." JJ shook her head and shut her eyes.

"How long have you felt this Jayje?" Emily asked, her hand hurting, JJ's nails digging into her skin. "Since middle school. I don't know how to be normal anymore." JJ shook her head as Emily put her other hand on her arm.

This simple gesture brought JJ back, causing her to look down at her hand. "Oh god. I'm so sorry. I just zoned out." She let go of Emily's hand and crawled away from her. "Jen I am fine." Emily wiped the blood off her hand and crawled to JJ.

"When I was 8 my parents and I were driving to my mom's office. It was one of the fancy ass limos where the seats face each other." When Emily saw the confused look on JJ's face she smiled.

"My mom is an ambassador. Anyways. I remember my dad sitting next to me. He was showing me the menu for the restaurant we were going to for my birthday dinner."

She got quiet for a minute, trying to think of what she was going to say. "We got hit on my side, some drunk driver went through the intersection. I don't remember a lot about it, I was knocked out for a little bit. The doctors said that the way my injuries were, someone had shielded me from most of it."

JJ looked at her, understanding what she meant. "Your dad." Emily nodded. "After that I grew up with the pity looks. The way the adults in my life looked at me it made my skin crawl. Knowing that you're only here because someone you love isn't, is something I wouldn't wish on anyone."

Emily shook her head and looked at JJ. "I am going to show you something. Something I did a long time ago but I got over. Okay?" They made eye contact, JJ nodding when she saw the look of desperation on Emily's face.

Emily pulled up a leg of her shorts, JJ staring at the scars on Emily's upper thigh. "I did this in a time of my life when I had no other choice. But I stopped. I got help. I got better. You can too. I know you can get better Jay. Please let me help you." JJ continued staring at her leg.

Emily took her face in her hands and made JJ look her in the eyes. "I am okay. I haven't done it since I was 15. I am okay. Hear me?" JJ stared at her and nodded. "You're okay." Emily smiled at the blonde.

"You will be too." JJ smiled back at her and nodded. Emily stood up and pulled JJ over to the bed. The two slept, JJ in Emily's arms for the rest of the night.