Let My Secret Be Sacred

Milkshake date

Dear Diary,
Where do I start?!!! Today I asked Evelyn out.
Ok, to be fair, I asked her to share a milkshake with her. And I tried to get us at Schwab's. I know, how stupid of me. She saw it coming of course. I know that she used to be in my shoes, she used to be the little actress that no one really paid attention to. So she took us to another place instead, to CC Brown's. To be exact, I took us there. We were in my Chevy, I saw that she was impressed. Or that at least she liked the car. I was so proud to drive us around. Evelyn said that Cc Brown's had better milkshakes and she was right. These were ridiculously delicious. I had a chocolate malt milkshake and I took a sip out of E's strawberry milkshake. Of course she took a strawberry milkshake. She couldn't be more different than me, more opposite to me and then here I am, melting for her, craving for her, desperately begging for her attention. She was kind of rough with me, almost mean. I know she means good but she was rude. I think I started the afternoon under her skin, I kept messing up but we ended up shaking hands, agreeing that I would be her second best friend. Who is her first best friend? No one else than Harry Cameron, of course. I wonder if she knows that he is gay... I hope that he will keep my secret safe, as I promised to never tell where I saw him. Where he saw me. It's not hard to guess, there aren't tons of homosexual friendly places around. I wonder if I could ever take her there. I know she would be accepted by everyone there, that's not the problem. But someone this famous in this tiny place? I have no idea. They are used to me, but it's different. I am not married to the most famous actor in the whole damn Hollywood.
Back to Evelyn, we shook hands. She said she would agree for another milkshake date, at Schwab's this time. And in exchange I would teach her my skills. You and I know that E is a great actress but she could be better. And she will be, thanks to me. We are going to create Evelyn and Celia. The Hollywood rising stars Evelyn Hugo and Celia St James.
I know, all I've been writing about lately is Evelyn. I know that she is married to Don asshole Adler. I wish I could say I wasn't jealous of him. Of course I am. He gets to spend time with her without being sorry. He gets to hold her hand without being scared of anyone or anything. Kissing her got Hollywood to praise him. I could never have this with her. I am even scared that anyone will ever read this diary, even if I am dying for her to know how much she makes my heart flutter. I wish I could tell her « Evelyn, touching your hand electrified me. Your soft warm skin against mine. Just a brief touch of yours warmed my heart like no one has ever done. Evelyn Hugo, will you hold my hand until the end of times? », but I can't. I have always loved women but as soon as I knew, I have never told anyone. There was this girl Cassie, when I was 15. She was 17. Her boyfriend was also an asshole. He would hit her sometimes, I could see the sadness in her eyes. Once during practice I saw a bruised rib of hers. She knew I knew. She knew I could keep her secret. She felt I had a big one. We started hanging out after school, in secret. We talked a lot. She made me feel dizzy, my stomach was all weird around her. Once, she took my hand, and didn't let it go as she usually did. She saw me blush. She saw I couldn't lock eyes with her. She asked me if I had ever kissed a girl. I said no. She kissed me. It was quick at first. Just a kiss. She smiled at me. She kissed me again. It lasted a bit longer. Then we would spend our afternoons talking and kissing. She let me touch her breast once. Then she disappeared. People said that Cassie went away to have a baby with her boyfriend. I know it was fake, she told me she wanted to break up with him. Ever since, I haven't kissed any girl. Of course, I wanted to kiss some of them. Mostly I wanted to hold their hands. Their beautiful and delicate hands. But no one took my heart like Cassie did until Evelyn. Sometimes I can see a flash of sadness go through E's eyes but it might be me trying to see Cassie in her. I know I shouldn't. But I want to hold her hand. To kiss her. To bury my head in her fake blond hair. I wanted to see her tanned fingers intertwined with my very pale fingers. It would be as beautiful as a flower bouquet.
It's late. I should sleep, I have to get up for rehearsals. But all I do is think about her grin when she told the waiter she wasn't Evelyn Hugo. We all knew it was a lie, but she was adorable, she seemed to have fun. I know she wants to seduce everyone, to be in everyone's mind. She doesn't leave mine. Goodnight.
Let my secret be sacred.