Marcel,
Tonight is a particularly cold night. The long nights of winter have comfortably settled in, leaving everything more barren and bleak than before. Back when I was a child, I hated the cold. It would always hit me abruptly and linger uncomfortably. No matter how beautiful cold nights may be, going out in the cold had always put me in a bad mood. Perhaps it was just a senseless opinion of someone so young, or perhaps the cold reminded me of things I didn't wish to think about.
Now that I've inherited the power of the Crystal Titan, my body doesn't respond to cold like it used to. I'm not sure if you ever got to experience a cold night with a Titan Shifter body, but the cold is now a pleasant sensation rather than an uncomfortable one. And now it seems that cold nights are only second to one.
I never really cared to gaze out into the night sky as a child. Even now I prefer the dazzling colours of sunset. I love tracing the sunkissed clouds as the sun dips below the horizon. The warm spectrum of light never ceases to amaze me.
However, tonight the sky is clear of clouds. Stars are dusted across its dark canvas, leaving me alone to marvel at its beauty. At a time like this, I'm sure you would say something witty to make me smile before handing me your jacket. You had been someone who prioritised others over yourself. I used to wonder why you cared for me more than you seemed to care for yourself, but now I do the very same thing.
You never got to meet them, but the next line of Warrior Candidates remind me of our generation. I'm not able to fully understand what our predecessors thought of us, but I know for certain that I love those kids. How could I ever wish upon them what happened to us?
More than anything, I want those kids to live a normal life. I want them to be able to attend school, not defend their country from the front lines of a battlefield. It isn't right. It never has been. I was too naive as a child to understand that, but you? You understood the value of living a long life better than I did. You understood that value and still gave your life to our power hungry country known as Marley.
Sometimes I think back to the day we were chosen as Warrior Candidates. The evening before we were chosen, you asked me whether I was certain with my decision or not.
You, a boy who desperately wanted for the people he loved to have lives longer than his own, wanted me to give away the single thing I had worked so hard to achieve. Meanwhile I, a girl who had given up anything and everything to attain her father's love, had fumbled the love you had for me.
It was cruel of you, really.
Despite everything you felt and knew, you still questioned my resolve. You questioned me while still wishing for your own brother to surpass the length of both of our lives.
In the end, you chose the life of your brother over the lives of your comrades. It wasn't your fault you had grown attached to any of the others, and I could never blame you for making your decisions in the ways you had. I could never even blame you for saving Porco over me.
No matter how awful this may seem, I would choose to save Emanon over Colt. Despite loving all of them, I would still choose Emanon over every other Warrior Candidate.
How cruel of me.
Perhaps it isn't just you or me who is cruel, but the world itself.
We were children thrown into the very fray of it all. We didn't have time to develop proper morals or learn how to understand the emotions of others. We lived and expressed ourselves without a care of who we hurt. But I suppose that's what it means to be young. It's the only time in our lives where we can so carelessly disregard the feelings of others.
When everything is said and done, I must digress. For just as the sunset is followed by a night of stars, each of my actions will lead to a cascade of consequences.
I will let myself love, even if it must end in heartbreak.
The stars in the sky are lovely tonight. They shine a colour that isn't quite blue, but isn't grey either. It's a beautiful balance that results in silver. They're delicate - like dewdrops on a spider's web and aglow like soft embers from a flame.
For hours, I laid in bed more awake than usual. No matter what I did, I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness. It wasn't because I was alone that I was lonely though. No... in my moment of vulnerability, what I craved wasn't to be something other than alone, it was to have you here with me. I was lonely because I missed you.
I could easily fill the spot in my bed with someone else, but when I acknowledge that it only makes me want to be alone even more. When I realise I'm alone though, my heart begs for someone else to lay beside me. Thus, I lay trapped in a prison of my own making.
I miss you, Marcel. Some nights I miss you more than others, and tonight is one of those nights. I know I must sound pathetic, but you were always the person who loved me every time I woke up from my endless nightmare. We may have been nothing more than children, but the love you expressed was nothing short of brilliant.
You would always chase after me even if I didn't want you to. You were always there to kiss my frostbitten hands and you were always there to comfort me on lonely nights.
Over and over again you were there for me, and now you're no longer here at all.
I know I can manage without you, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I know I need to move on, but how can I possibly move on knowing how much you loved me? You loved me so much that it killed you.
No matter how many times I wish you didn't have to die, it all goes to remind me how much you loved me. It reminds me of how I really, truly, loved you too.
Yours, sincerely, (Y/n) (L/n)
YOU ARE READING
Allies and Enemies (AoT Reader Insert)
Romance"We were made to live." Second installment of "A Tenth Shifter; The Crystal Titan" Series.
