What About Us?

    Most relationships have a beginning and an end, but what about this one? Years ago I met you, in the in-between I had other partners but none compared to you.
    The first had problems. I lowered my standards for him, and he ruined me. Throughout the in-between process it was horrific, i wasn't treated how a woman should be treated. He used me, cheated, and kept me hidden. It was a relationship you
wouldn't even imagine being in. Inside this relationship he would come over every other weekend, only to sit in his car. He used me for my body, and towards the end of this relationship I came to question was I enough for him, or was I just to much? 5 different woman, all different body types, all different colors.. Was I enough? Every night before he'd come to me, he'd go to her, or the other her. then he'd drive an hour to come see me, use me, play me. He was the first, therefore i thought it was perfect. It was everything to me, but at 13 years old I found myself crying on the bathroom floor with a blade in my hands. Am i enough?
    You wouldn't expect for someone to be so kind in the beginning yet turn into someone else in the end. He promised me happiness, but it wasn't there. He made me feel like I didn't belong, yet through out the process I had no idea who he really was. Still at 13, sitting on the floor I found myself unable to breathe, heartbroken, sad, tired, and angry. But of all things, I was confused. You told me you loved me, was it true? You said you cared, did you? You said you wanted me, or was that just a lie to? In the end I grieved over something that wasn't dead. I grieved over someone who wouldn't think of me in their hardest times. I was sad for a while, i didn't want another partner, because what if everyone's just out to break me in the end. I knew I didn't deserve it, but I still let it happen. I cried for a while, i cried everywhere. Me, as my age, shouldn't have had slits all on my body because of how people made me feel.
    I had no faith in men or woman at that point. I was done, I didn't want anything with anyone else. Then came another. Another two month relationship turned into a 8 month nightmare. He once again promised me happiness, and love. But it just wasn't there. It was good at first, just like every relationship, but once the first breakup happened, they just kept coming. One breakup after another and another after that. He cared this time, he found himself crying on the phone with me because he didn't want it to end. But it had to. This one would come over every weekend once again just to sit in his car. He also used me, but I didn't realize til the end. One argument after another, but the worst one was when he almost hit me. He wanted to, I could see it. But instead he broke my phone. I didn't feel enough in this relationship and I always questioned how it would turn out. After our two months ended, he blocked me on everything, but unblocked me when he wanted to. 8 months worth of blocking, arguing, crying, and anger. He didn't know how to communicate, every argument I was blocked. I couldn't win, I couldn't show him how to communicate instead of ignoring. Then I started doing it to, I didn't wanna be the only one feeling like complete shit. I would block him anytime he would want to see me. I cried because I couldn't figure out what to do throughout the madness. I couldn't find myself. I would cry over him, i was tired of holding everything in, so every time I cried I had a blade on my wrist, and that slowly moved to my thighs. He would watch me, stalk me and find me. At school he would get his friends to ask my friends about me, he would look at me everywhere I go. It just wouldn't end. Towards the end I realized that I was enough but he wasn't. I couldn't let it keep going, I was tired of being watched all the time, i was tired of crying. So I finally blocked him for good, i stayed away because that wasn't what I wanted. After i finally ended it for good he would still find ways to watch me. To this day, it just won't end. At some point isn't it harassment?
    I gave up, I gave up on fighting for myself and to be treated like a woman should be. My home life didn't help either, i couldn't do anything right, but that's a story for another day. I couldn't find myself. I slowly started fading into darkness, i stopped going places, i stopped hanging with people. I just stopped. I wanted to die, I didn't wanna continue a journey that didn't have anything good at the end. What's the point in enduring the madness of this is there isn't any calmness to it? But instead of ending it all like I've tried before, I started working on myself. Before finding someone else I wanted to find myself, I also wasn't sure if I wanted someone else. As i slowly worked on finding myself I began to take care of myself because I AM enough. I wasn't a woman who could sit around and be treated like nothing. I wanted to know who I was, what I wanted, and how to do things without needing someone.
    This process took a while, a while of finding who I wanted to be. Then I met you. You seemed to help me find who I was, you helped me find my worth. But I still questioned it because what if it ends like the others. I would push you away because I didn't wanna lose myself again. In the beginning you promised the same as the others so I had no faith. Love and happiness, is it really even a thing anymore? But you showed me how to love, you showed me what happiness was. This time I didn't want it to end, I found someone whom I truly loved. Not someone who I just said it to because they said it first. I truly loved you, i truly wanted a good ending to this. During this I will go more in depth of this love.
    You fought for me when nobody would, you wanted me to stay. So i did, because someone finally showed me what it meant to be loved. Verbal abuse, heartbreak, fighting, blocking, crying. That isn't love. Everyone chooses how they love, and how they show love, but none of these things were my version until the end. This is my story of how to be treated.
    At first we weren't sure about dating, it was an off and on talking relationship because we were both involved with toxic others. But we soon got out of those relationships, so what now? What about us? Why don't we try? Out of no where you asked for me to come over, I wanted to. I did. You guided me when I felt lost, I finally realized I found my person. I form tears as I think about how happy you make me, there's no one I'd rather spend my times with than you.
    Throughout the years, and all the time I've wasted on other relationships. It all helped me grow to find this one. I feel at home now. It's sad that I've had to go through hell just to get to where I wanted to be, life isn't fair and everyone knows that. But does it have to be so harsh? After wondering if we should try, we did, and we've succeeded. Maybe my story might have a happy ending... let's see where this goes. I'm glad we thought, What About Us?