To any of you that know me, I have always tried to do my best to not only help you but to do right by you. Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes what I have to do makes you think I don't care but believe me if I didn't care I wouldn't bother hurting myself just to help you. What a number of you don't release is that when I care about someone, I do it for the long haul. What a number of you don't realise is that when I distance myself from you, I have to do it so I don't do something I regret. If you don't think I care or I can't be bothered, trust me when I say I do and that it hurts me to do it much more than it hurts you. I have lost so many people that it's not even funny now and the few I do have I tend to lie to. You're probably thinking 'Omg you're a horrible person! No wonder they left!' But you miss the nature of these lies. I tell people I'm fine, that I'm happy and I smile and laugh for good measure. The truth is I'm not. I feel numb so much of the time that the only times I show what I'm truly feeling is the three times I've broken down crying in front of a teacher and that's not me. I bottle up my emotions and now I've run out of bottles. You say I'm disinterested but the problem is I'm too numb to feel it. I want to care and help you but how can I when I can't help myself? The truth came out tonight and I was forced to look at it. I'm breaking at the seems and it's unfair to keep masking the cracks. I do it so people don't worry but I can't do it any more. I've always had a strange imagination, stranger thoughts but over the years my thoughts have gotten so much darker and to be frank it scares me because I know how far I'll go. Now you're probably thinking that I'm psychotic and will come after you with a chainsaw: I wish. I've always been one to blame myself and take things out on myself. What scares me is how far I'll go to prevent myself taking things out on others. How far I'll go to hurt myself because I can no longer find my purpose. Everyday I roll over after I'm woken up and think why don't I just end all of this. Stop the ride I want off. But then I think of my brother who needs my help with the horses. My niece who I've practically raised. My horse; what would happen to him? And of course what about my 'friends'. I no longer speak to half of these people but I once spent so much time making sure they were okay that I was almost always ill. Now I only speak to two. David and Miah. Three if you count the almost no existent conversations with Evie. David has helped me an unbelievable amount recently and while we didn't always see eye to eye, I now class him as one of my closest friends. Miah...I'm not sure where we are but I'd give anything for him to be happy, hell I give him the few hours of sleep I get when he's upset. All I know right now is we've been through hell and I'll be damned if that all gets thrown away. I love the guy, he's always been able to cheer me up.
Forgive the rant but it was needed. That and I'm too tired to care about any of this.
Love you Miah.
And David.
