In third grade I punched a kid. He deserved it I think. He said that he didn't want to do the homework. Our teacher, Ms.Flynt was telling him that it's something that is required to do. So I punched him. There are a few things in this world I understand. Don't destroy others' property. Be generous to others. Protect those you care about. When I punched him he screamed. Of course he did, that was predictable, however he was not the only one, Ms.Flynt screamed too, at me. That was confusing. I was defending her. I did not want her to be hurt so I protected her.
After this I was made to take tests. I got diagnosed to be on the spectrum of alexithymia. Alexithymia is a Greek term that loosely translates to "no words for emotion". I simply just feel nothing, always. It's a constant 'void' of emotions as described by mom. She got it from one of her parenting books she was reading about it. It's a spectrum though, others can feel emotions, but still feel them.
Mom says it's a gift to have in this world. Harsh as the world around is, it would be a blessing for me to simply feel something. The amount of mistakes caused by simple emotional misunderstanding is overwhelming. So many things depend on social and emotional interpretation and when you have no context for anything related to one's emotional standing.
Even though I do not feel I can still think and make my own interpretation of them. The closest I can get to this is by reading. There's no problems l with interpretation in the fictional world. "She said with a dollop voice","Grateful for the help","Wallowing in sorrow". Everything is clearly stated for myself. It's the closest I will ever get to being a 'normal' person. Vicariously living through the main character and experiencing mystical adventures of far away lands and I cannot even leave the world I have seamlessly trapped myself in by being born with this 'gift'.
The closest I have gotten to seeing myself be portrayed was in the exact opposite manner of my own condition.She, Lauren Olamina, feels everything. Pain, bliss, nervousness, danger and desolation. She builds relationships, communities, and support. I cannot, I have no drive to do anything, I cannot build relationships, I cannot progress, I do not have a 'drive' to do anything, ever, it's simply missing and empty. I simply do what I know is required of me.
"The wordless message was the same for both child and woman: In spite of your loss and pain, you aren't alone. You still have people who care about you and want you to be all right. You still have family." Chapter 24, page ###, line 18-20. I can relate only to this woman to a certain extent. Having no emotions can only make you see similarities and relate to a person with little depth due to not having that connection of shared feelings. That is one thing I know for certain. I will be forever alone, isolated in this world.
