Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me? (I Am)

Is it easy now?

I hold onto this pride because these days, it's all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can't say that
[...]
And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

~Better man, Red (Taylor's Version) , Taylor Swift

Question: Is it easier now?

For me, it wasn't never easy moving from something I thought I loved,
I always needed to write pages,
even when for others the story was already ending,
I wrote about it until the moment I thought it ended.
It took some time
but it was worth everything.

It's easy to move forward
when you never cared about the past,
but I want to see you try it
when the past was all you thought you had
and you don't want to be seen as weak in front of anyone.

Because in spite of everything for the society
if you cry you are weak,
but at the same time you care,
if you are heartless you are strong,
but you seems to not feel anything.
Doesn't matter how little they know about you.

Now tell me, is it easy to move on?
And don't you dare tell me that what I did was wrong.
If it was wrong, why do I feel so good now?
Why do you blame me after telling you the truth?
Why can't I feel happy but you can?
Why does your happiness come before mine?
Why can't I let it go?
But I stopped blaming myself,
I thought that was love that makes me crazy
and if it doesn't, are you really loving them?
Now I realize how much I was wrong then.

I thought that I just needed you,
but I realize that I just wasted time,
doing everything I could for you.
I think I've gone further the lies you told everyone,
I guess I didn't know you as much
as I thought.

They always told me not to trust the players,
but they always liked to play with me.
So now I'm having fun,
I'm having fun playing with them,
I'm having fun paying them with everything I have.
I had so much fun doing it
that I want to do it again, again and again
if only I had time and energy to waste like this .

The world is tough
and not always works
I just have to try my best not to get hurt.
I always been told that I have to fight to have something,
they like to burn down every dream you have,
they would accuse me even if they had no evidence,
so light me on anyway,
because what changes?

I still think that
just because you didn't reveal yourself at the right time,
I'm stuck here with a fake image of you forever.
Call me the way the hell you want,
because it won't change what you did,
and I will decide what to call you,
not now anyway.
I really don't want to stay,
but I feel I can't just go away.

God, save me from their so called love,
oh, it's clearly an obsession,
sometimes I'm just so scared about what could happen
if I didn't realize it at the right time.
I am like a drug for them ,
they will let me alone for a while but never forever
and at the same time
they will do anything to have me by their side.

But despite that I can't let it go,
because everything I think
it's the idea I had of them ,
my stupidity clearly never goes out of style.
The other people will never understand,
the beauty of the little talk with someone who seems to really listen to you,
the mentally trips to places I never been,
the songs shared because why not?
I always loved to
tell the story of each one of the lyrics
to people who seemed to care.

The wind that made hair go in front of the eyes,
those eyes that
now made me wonder
when you started to lie to me,
made me wonder if you ever told me the truth,
I wonder if every word you say is a part of a bigger plan.

Now I try to look normal,
when I'm not,
when I'm trying to tear down my walls
when I'm trying to fight the urge of living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts,
when I know my love should be celebrated
but I saw you only tolerated and pretended it.

I just want to be left alone,
I just want to let myself forget everything without fearing the ways
you could tear me apart,
I just want to live my life and, please, let me do it.

Ellie T. Ny ✨<3