Everything hurts recently. idk if i've become more insecure or what has happened. but there is something wrong with me. i'm always sad for some reason now. i was happy for only a little bit and then things went back to how they were before. i'm trying my best to not give up. everything is just so har, idk what to do. some days i stare in the mirror and look at all my imperfections. wishing and praying to look like the pretty girls online and at school. especially this one girl. over times i've realized, i don't like anything about me. i hate everything about me . the way my face is shaped. my eyes. my hair. my smile. my laugh. my voice. for the most part, i hate my body. i've always wanted to look like that one popular pretty girl at school. but it's never happened. people say i have to make that change and it's the fact that i've been trying my hardest. i've been trying so hard to do better but nothing works. it's like i was born to be ugly. i hate being me. i'm so tired of being me. i've always said i hate being in my body and i want to switch i to someone else's body. just so i don't have to deal with me for a day. i hate the way people look at me. i hate the way they talk about me behind my back. i hate the way i find out about everything. i try my best to hide all the pain with laughs and smiles and it really does work. no one notices. and if they do, they can't do anything to change how i feel about myself. my friends tell me to just believe in myself and keep trying and that it gets better. no it doesn't. it never gets better. only worse. and it will never get better. it will always be painful. no medication can heal the pain i feel deep down every single day of my life. my parents say that since i'm young i can't feel pain like they do. maybe i can. maybe i can't. i don't know what i feel anymore. i would say that i don't feel anything. but i really do. i may say that "i don't care" but deep down, i care. sometimes i wish my brain would just stop running. and everything is peaceful. that's why i get high. when i'm high. everything goes away. no pain. no thoughts. just quiet. i've found out many of my "friends" really js talk abt me behind my back. crazy right. but people always say i'm rude when i say i hate everyone. everyone is so rude. i hate everyone. and everything. especially myself.
