Boulevard to Polaris (Virago Series #1)

with his vows' cast

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CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
with his vows' cast
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2 MONTHS LATER

2 months and I always wake up in the same state, still in pain, no matter how hard I hide it. Hindi man pisikal o ano pero emosyonal at mental? Oo.

My eyes and head were both heavy when I wake up a few minutes ago. I needed to adjust from the weariness bago ko napagtanto ang kapamilyaran ng kwartong tinulugan ko ngayon.

I'm in Gazer's room in a house he owns here in Cadiz. For the two months that we've been away from everyone, lagi kaming magkatabi matulog lagi dahil lagi akong binabangungot sa nangyari dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan.

Gumigising ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi, humahangos at umiiyak, kaya nagpasya si Gazer na tabihan na lang ako matulog kaysa hayaang mag-isa gaya ng kahilingan ko.

For the time we consumed, he helped me a lot. He assured me that he won't sleep 'til I'm asleep, he stayed up late every nights just to make sure na hindi ako bangungutin ulit and gratefully, his presence alone aided me to finally sleep peacefully.

It's been two months since I lost another Mom of mine, but the wound it made deep inside me is still pretty fresh. Ang sakit pa ring balikan na nawala siya sa mismong harap ko, while I was begging her to hold on, holding her hand like I didn't say any hurtful things towards her.

Her funeral was only the thing I attended secretly. Hindi ako nagpakita 'nung naghahanap sila ng kabaong, noong pinaalam sa lahat na wala na siya, at noong inilibing na siya. Sikreto lang akong pumunta kasama ni Gazer. And even when he insisted for me to see my Mom for the last time, I really couldn't handle doing it.

At that time, he attended in my stead then. Nagpakita siya sa lahat ng pumunta sa libing ni Mama to pay his respects and promises towards my Mom. Some people commended him, some didn't. Pinaalam niya lang sa'kin na tinanong ng iba kung nasa'n ako and the only thing he answered is, "She's not ready yet."

Uminit ang sulok ng mata ko sa naalala pero agad ko 'yun pinalis. Hindi kasi 'to ang tamang oras para do'n. Some things are bound to be accepted, even when it's hard. 'Yan na ang lagi kong iniisip at 'yan din ang gagawin ko kahit hindi ko pa alam kailan.

Her death is something I can't accept yet. It was all too sudden. I didn't even get to breathe out.

Nang araw pa ngang 'yun at nang makauwi kami, umiyak lang ako nang umiyak. Walang gabing hindi ko pinagsisisihan lahat ng sinabi ko sa mama ko. Kung wala si Gazer na paulit-ulit akong inaalo ay baka may nagawa na akong hindi dapat lalo na't wala sa isip ko nu'n na may laman ang sinapupunan ko.

For all the pain I'm feeling at that moment, muntikan ko nang makalimutang may anak ako... na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin 'ata batid ni Gazer bukod sa lagi ko siyang nahuhuling nakatingin sa tiyan kong may umbok.

My baby bump is actually getting more obvious now. Pero dahil sa lagi kong suot ang t-shirt niyang malaki ay hindi niya pa siguro nahahalata 'yun. And he still doesn't know. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sakanya.

Isang usog ang ginawa ko para bumangon pero hindi ako hinayaan ng matitipunong brasong nakayapos sa'kin. Of course, it's Gazer. The Gazer who stayed with me this whole time and never once left me alone in the dark.

From the two months na magkasama kami, mas naging malapit kami sa isa't-isa. He started telling me his stories, from the nook down to the gutters. Gano'n din siya sa'kin at nang kinonsulta ko rin siya patungkol sa grupong kinabibilangan niya ay sinabi niyang maayos na raw ang lahat.