The Bad Boy Tutors The Suicidal Girl | ✓ Rewriting

Chapter 27

WARNING: Throwing Up, Mention of Self-Harm
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Nightstand | Kxllswxtch
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"Why you filling lies in my head?
Toss and turn around in my bed
Loaded pistol on my nightstand
With a bullet calling my name."
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Sometimes I would want to eat and it's nice. Other times I hate it. Some days I could go for a whole day without eating and I would be fine, other days I feel weak. I don't mind eating I just don't like what it does it me. Sometimes I think that if I eat, I was a mistake.

It was a school morning. I was already at school on the bus. I was tired. Mathew was already bugging me first thing in the morning. I just sat as he ate some breakfast from school. I watch him eat as he spoke about having a fun day today.

"Since I don't have practice today, would you like to go somewhere?"He asked biting his fork on the cinnamon bun.

"No,"I said looking back at the clock.

The smell bothered me. The smell of food. I've been eating too much recently and it has made me feel disgusted. I didn't deserve the food knowing full well I'm going to die anyway. Why waste it?

It felt terrible to see my stomach looking weirder now, and my legs looking big. It bothered me so much looking at my face. It was getting huge. I was getting huge. With the fact I'm even tall, is huge.

I used to be short, I remember being short. I remember eating and I got taller. I should've never eaten at all. I should've just done nothing. I wish I didn't do this to myself. I was taking too much of what I didn't need at all.

This was terrible. I looked completely different and bad. I wanted to look okay but I look like I was stung by a bee.  I hated how all this was making me feel that I was just a piece of trash. All I knew was I was trash so what was the point?

I'm a complete waste.

"Cupcake?"Mathew called. "You okay?"

"Yeah, why?"I asked him and he shook his head.

That nickname. It made me feel worse. I was not a cupcake at all. I was nothing over that sweet thing people liked. I was more of the expired milk. I am just disgusting, why am I here?

"You just look upset."

"I'm fine,"I told him as I scoffed.

I felt like throwing up. Everything that I've had is coming right up my throat. It was burning and tasted terrible. I held it in but it was just wanting to come out. I need it to come out. It was going to help me feel less of what I am.

I saw the bell was about to ring "I'm going to use the restroom."

He hummed again as he drank some chocolate milk he always says it's good. I got up and walked out of the cafeteria. I saw how crowded they were and it was starting to go away. I walked in and closed the door completely. I went into one of the stalls and locked it.

I started throwing up as much as I could. Everything was burning, my body was getting warmer and warmer that I couldn't feel the cold floors. It felt like I was pushing my guts out from the inside. Almost like I could pull my thirst or stomach out.

My eyes were tearing as I coughed. After a while, I felt it wasn't enough. I needed everything out, but I couldn't even get myself to throw up. I was just too weak. Kept shaking and felt numb.I hated this part the most. I could do something else about it but I couldn't. Every time I feel like eating something, it felt like this. It felt so terrible. Why am I like this?

I used to love food. I didn't care about what other people think. I sometimes still don't. I just care about what I think about myself more too much. I care about the food and what it does to my body.