'I think I've fallen for you,' Mysie toyed with her Marlboro.
'You have?' It was a rude reply. That was the problem with physical relationships, someone always falls. 'Are you sure?'
She put the cigarette out and walked swiftly to her robe. She avoided my eyes and said nothing.
'Mysie... Mysie.' I got up after her, my boxers somewhere on the floor, and bare ass hanging.
This wasn't love, it was just sex. I've loved before, it ended. Nothing good lasts.
'I know, we agreed.' She looked at me and she fought back tears.
I struggled to get a word in.
'I'm not asking you to love me... I-I would be a liar if I said nothing.'
'We agreed.'
There was silence.
She bit her lip. 'I know...'
This was a break up.
'But you shined a light, and now I've stolen the whole sun, for you... Least you can do is accept my feelings are real.' She finished.
I removed my hand from her. This was it, the end. I looked around the room, my belongings were scattered on the floor.
I couldn't love her for sex, and things could never be like it used to. I sat on the bed, collecting the silence, disappointment,and loose clothing. The mood died, the silence was awkward, and the cigarettes left a sour stench in the room.
I dressed quickly. I needed to leave, what else was there? The scene was her own, I just had to love her, else we were strangers again.
Mysie showed me out. She stayed on the other side of the door as I turned back one last time; her words couldn't be unsaid. But we had something beautiful.
Beauty is wicked; sadness is a given, and everything dies in the end. I walked against the flow of people coming from the beach. The excitement of the summer day set with the sun, and now only lust and idleness remained. I was too high-strung to go home,and my heavy head left me wandering around wounded. Every other minute there was a group of girls flaunting their tans, in hopes of catching prey. The heat flocked a herd of young bulls ready to mate towards them, and they talked and walked.
I found the eyes of a pretty red haired girl, who had hopes of a meeting, but I wasn't in the mood. I was grieving.
I turned right towards the beach, walked past shops closing up and night vendors opening. I walked past Marley's, the Jamaican bar I worked at two summers ago. They were welcoming customers, which were mostly women in groups of twos and threes, couples, and the confident man. The owner,Irie, was a Jamaican alcoholic, who loved to sing. He was the reason why most nights ended with a flurry of Bob Marley's greatest hits.
'Dat you Mike?' Irie saw me passing and called. 'Where you been fambly?'
'Busy Irie... It's been too long.'
'Yeah, it's been too fucking long brother...' We stood in awkward silence. 'Heard about your girl, Sam-Samia, I'm so sorry brother. How'd she die?'
I left Marley's quickly, it was hideous. Everything about it left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and heavy heart. I got on the sand, and walked to the water.
Two years ago, I was in love. Her name was Samia. We met at Marley's one night, while i working behind the bar. She was drinking alone, and the mood in the bar was light enough for conversation to flow.
I left the bar feeling lucky; she was such a cool girl. I thought about our conversations every day after; her thoughts on music, her obsession with The Rat (a Murakami character from the books she had on repeat), beer vs cider, and her one woman outlook on life. When she called for a second date later in the week I was pretty shocked I didn't burst. She asked for a second round at Marley's, one off the clock, to pick my mind completely. We slept together after.
The clouds hovered above the water, reaching, and gently kissing it's surface. I looked out for the very point they met, hoping there was a miracle at the center of it, but there was nothing. Kind of like love, so much potential at the center of it, but no fruits in the end.
I dated Samia for a year and a half, my longest run ever. I loved her and she knew it. But holding all my love and well wishes was maybe too much... Samia hung herself in her apartment in January. You mustn't fall in love, you'll end up breaking it.
