a dream, so beautiful

I

Tears were falling, sliding down my pink cheeks, loudly landing on the soft pillow on my bed. I just woke up. I was hiding under the blanket, closing my eyes so hard I could almost feel physical pain. Wanting to disappear. The only thing I wanted was to disappear.

And each time I was closing my eyes I would be standing on the hilltop with my hands floating in the air. Waves would whisper me to jump as my dark brown hair was caressing my cheeks. But each time I would open my eyes, I would be laying in my bed. Helpless. There was no way to turn back time and fix whatever was broken, and even if I could, there was no chance I would mend any of it - I didn't break it. I didn't change the wind direction, and I couldn't, as I gave the control of my little world away to those I loved so much. And I couldn't think of any possible reasons why it all had to end this way. Why I had to end up, locked in my dorm, not being able to leave my bed. But I was too scared in the moment, I was completely and utterly broken. I wanted to die. Thinking of dying wasn't making the pain go away, but it was making it easier for me to stay, for now. Though, nothing else was interesting to me anymore.

I couldn't breathe properly. Anxiety consumed me and I didn't know how to handle it anymore. I wouldn't take my prescribed anxiety pills and I never touched them since I came to Berklee. I just wanted to fight anxiety by myself at this point, that was my own little victory that was slowly turning against me. I felt so alone, and in that moment, that loneliness felt like a hole in my chest, burning so hard that I couldn't take it.

And it is hard when the person you thought would never leave you, leaves.

And it is suffocating when the person that promised you to stay breaks that very promise and breaks you in the process of all of it. The one that promised to protect you no matter what. 

I was suffocating. Under the sheets, locked in my own mind, I couldn't breathe neither physically, nor mentally. Thoughts were chaotically dragging me into the deep end and I was blaming myself, as I always do, reconsidering every decision I've ever made. I have never had tendencies of showing my regrets or overthinking to people, as I grew up in a very conservative and strict family, under my grandmother's orders. Etiquette would never allow me to show too many emotions, or to show any signs of weakness or self-doubt.

At last, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I was too afraid of the person I was becoming or, maybe, of a person others convinced me I was turning into. I was terrified of my own voice, my own feelings. I thought I didn't have the right to feel the way I did, or to be myself. That every little thing about me was simply not enough. It was tearing me apart, breaking me in pieces. I was overwhelmed, mostly by my own feelings. I wasn't blaming anybody but myself at this point. And it was terrifying.

Not being able to keep my breath any longer I looked out of the sheets, very cautiously. My roommates were sleeping, and I was relived they were since I didn't want them to see me like this. I felt guilty for being such an emotional wreck in front of them, I wished I was a better roommate. I wished I was better. And I wished it all was getting better. But it was only getting worse and worse, with each day passing by.

I couldn't bear it. I didn't want to. But I had to.

I quietly lifted my bare cold feet, stood on my tiptoes, walking to the bathroom, and closed the door. My eyes immediately jumped to a small squared dirty mirror under the sink. Weak yellow light was unravelling my swollen red face, emphasising dark circles, and even the stains on the glass couldn't hide them. I didn't want to look at myself at all, but I did. And I felt so much pain at that moment, wondering when it all went the wrong way. It went right into me, as if there was a sharp knife that cut through my heart. It couldn't bear it anymore.

I took a deep breath and splashed my face with water. Covering it with hands, I squished it, as a sudden wave of hurting went through my body again. I hid inside my own hands, and it still wasn't enough of a fortress. I burst out crying, silently, as I didn't want to wake my precious roommates.

I wasn't safe, I didn't feel safe. I felt as if I was in a cage, unable to get out. I was, though, safe inside of this room and this room only.

I walked out of the bathroom and got into my bed again, texting my mom. She already knew the situation, since I told her everything the moment it happened, and she was aware of how much pain I was facing at the moment. Mom didn't know how to help, though. Being thousands of miles away, she knew, I was alone, and there was no way she would help.

Mom was trying to comfort me, but she couldn't. Who knew that the one person you trust the most, the one person everyone is so sure of can cause so much pain. And I couldn't let go in the moment, it was hurting too badly to ever let myself go off the pain that occupied me. It felt as if poison was consuming me.

And I was letting it consume me.

The moment my roommates woke up, my mum called. I was hiding under the blankets for them not to worry about me, and my mom didn't sound too worried. She was trying her best to keep it together, even though I could barely speak. I knew she was terrified because I knew her. But in that moment it felt as if I didn't even know myself anymore, so I didn't want to overthink. Well, I didn't have energy to.

"Rose..."

"I want to come back. Let me come back, please. I'm begging." - I whispered, fighting a lump in my throat. Tears rushed to my eyes as soon as I said it, and my mom shakily inhaled and exhaled. I felt so guilty. I didn't feel like I deserved anything.

"Just ignore them, they don't deserve you crying. Rose, do you hear me?"

Her voice sounded strict, and at that moment I couldn't bear it either. Any coldness, any indifference towards me would kill me all over again, I couldn't handle it anymore.

"Mhm", - I said, crying. I was trying to hold my tears in so hard that it hurt my face. - "Call our relatives that live near Boston, please. Ask them to pick me up. I can't live here any longer, mama."

She was silent. I couldn't tell if she was crying or just thinking, but she was silent and that was scaring me even more. I started suffocating and pushed my sheets away. By the time I did that, my roommates were ready to go and have breakfast. They both looked worried and I realised at that point, they knew that I was not okay, no matter how hard I tried to keep it a secret. Shalia stopped and looked at me while I was trying to wipe my tears.

"Are you okay? Would you want me to get something for you from the caf?" - she asked very softly and gently. I tried to breathe but I couldn't and that small gesture of kindness make me break down again. It broke my heart, that somebody cared about how I was feeling. And I felt so guilty that I wasn't okay.

"Cou... could you get me so... some fru..." - I mumbled. I couldn't speak. My mom was still on the line, listening. I got myself together to finish the sentence, as Shalia was patiently waiting for me to breathe. - "Some fruits, please?"

"Sure, you're good." - she replied. I tried to smile and I failed. I also put my thumb up trying to tell them I was okay, but I could tell they didn't believe I was. Which I wasn't.

Mom sighed as I started crying again as soon as they left the room. 

"Rose, you can't be like this, you do understand that, don't you? You have to stop crying." - she said, worried.

Shame and guilt corrupted me as I answered with "mhm" again. All I wanted was to be able to see her again. And funnily enough, I didn't want to die. But I wanted to disappear.

"I'm sorry." - I cried.

"What are you saying?"

"I never wanted this to happen. I'm really sorry."

"Rose, breathe." - my grandma suddenly said, appearing on the couch next to my mom. 

"Calm down."

Voices echoed in my ears, inside of my head, and they were deafening.

"Rose."