Outta Sight, Outta Mind

Feb 2, 2023

Alright.

Things are not going how I thought they were. 

I honestly feel like I need to be somewhere else, rather than where I am. I don't feel safe sometimes, even though nothing dangerous is happening. Like, being at home is a literally blessing from above, but I also don't wanna be here at the same time. 

Don't get me wrong. 

I love not having to go to a physical school. I love doing my work online. I love eating food that actually looks edible. I love sleeping in my actual bed, and not a bus seat. I love it.

However, my mom has had to go back to work. I have to sit in a tension-filled house until she comes back. I know that sounds bad, and it is bad. I'm here with my two siblings and father.

Funny, right..? I feel okay typing Mom, but feel weird when typing Father. Allow me to get something straight: I love my parents and would go to hell and back for them. I only seem to have an issue with my Dad.

Call me a Daddy's Girl, it's nothing new. I'm sure we've all met and seen one before. I listen to anything AND everything he has to say. If he wants to show me a movie from his childhood, I'll watch it. I know, and he knows my siblings won't stay to watch. He'll either leave or fall asleep while watching, but I'll stay and watch from beginning to end. I like them. I can kinda see why he liked them.

Okay. Enough of the "Dad's Always Right" thing I've got going on. For as long as I can remember, I am and have always been a crybaby. 

Yep! I'm a crybaby, from womb to high school. I normally don't like to admit it, but it's true. Anyway, My dad has this thing where he lectures us. The lectures go on for some minutes or even half an hour if I'm looking at a clock. They feel so long. Yesterday's lecture was about the dog.

I love our dog, and so does everyone else. Mom had left for work, and Dad was asleep. My siblings were doing whatever. I have the dog and don't know what to do with it. I'm saying "it" because that's how I feel about the dog right now.  Anyway, I bring the dog into my room and attempt to get it to lie down. That's all, ya know! I push the behind to sit and tug the front legs forward. Please understand I don't do this hard or rough, okay? So...the dog growls at me.

Huh? If the dog growls at ANY of us, that is bad. I let go of the front legs and it crawls under the bed. I knock on my Dad's door and he answers. I tell him that the dog growled at me, and I usher it back into his room.

To make this story short as it can be! We all got a lecture about the dog. I took the dog's blanket because of said lecture. The day goes by. Mom is home. She wonders where the Dog blanket is. Asks me and my siblings. I tell her No. She accuses my dad of taking it. Christ All Mighty! If there is anything you can do to make me tense in this house, it's accusing Dad of doing something he didn't do AND me knowing I did it instead of him. Dead Girl Walking Over Here!

She gets the blanket back because Dad came and asked where it was. I told him where it was immediately. Yep. Daddy's Girl. Keep the insults coming. I know.

Anyway, I haven't said anything to him. He hasn't said anything to me. Remember when I said I was a crybaby..? Yeah...I cry during his lectures. Even when he says he's not fussing at us. I cry.

Even when I'm not upset, I cry. I cry for the dumbest reasons. See..? Bout to cry right now. FOR NO FUCKING REASON! I literally wish my tear ducts could be removed. Anyway, That is why I'm tense. That is why the house is tense. I wish I had somewhere to go rather than be here. 

So...That's all. I may have something else to talk about tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

Depends on how things are around here.

- M.