Greatest Fear - l.s.

Louis' POV:

We sit around the fire, the five of us, beneath the stars. It feels exactly like it did sixteen years ago, but now; well, now we know one another. The forest closes us in, like a shell for a hermit crab, embracing us into the sounds and smells of nature; wildflowers, oaks, animal waste and smoke from the fire. Crickets chirp, whilst smaller creatures run through the grass.

"Do you remember the stuff we talked about here?" Niall asks, leaning back into his chair.
"Oh god, we played never have I ever, right?" Harry groans.
"Fuck that game, remember when we all revealed our greatest fears and Zayn's was being forced to get a bieber cut?" Myself and Liam had been greatly offended at the time, as our hair had been cut into that horrible style.

The lads and I chuckle at the memories. We're about to start touring again for the first time since 2015, and we're all nervous; why not come back here? Back to where it all began?

That sounds cheesy as fuck.

"Let's play it again, see what's changed!" Niall suggests.
"God, Nialler."
"I mean, I'm up for it."
"I missed shit, I wanna do it." I try to ignore Zayn's reference to his leaving.
"Lou?" Haz asks with pleading eyes once Zayn and Liam have agreed.

I sigh dramatically; "Fine. Fine. Zee, greatest fear?"
"Khai choosing Gigi over me." 

We all pause; none of us really expected it to get that deep so quickly, and it shows in the surprise etched on our faces, drastically exaggerated by the sharp light of the campfire. Khai is now ten, and spending more and more time with her mum. She tends not to have much in common with Zayn, though she clearly idolises him.

"Li?" Niall asks.
"Probably... Cheryl winning this case..." Cheryl was fighting for full custody of Bear, and with Liam going on tour, it looked as though she might win. Bear himself was against it, desperately wanting to spend more time with his dad, so Liam was attempting to bribe her with more time to shut down the case before it hit the courts. He has a hunch that this fight was more about Cheryl's personal grudges against him rather than what Bear wants.

"Ni?" Harry asks, Zayn resting a comforting hand on Liam's knee in response to his comment.
"Pigeons. Bloody birds." The irishman responds in disgust.
"What about Kevin?!" I exclaim in mock shock.
"He was a right bastard. Took my wallet and everything."

We all let out soft laughs, not wanting to disturb the suffocating quiet of the night. Creatures move around us, the rustling leaves the only noise besides the crackle of the flames, and the pool filter faintly running.

"Hazza?" Zayn asks, his hand now wrapped in Liams. The pair are sharing the biggest camp chair, Zayn sitting on the arm of it with his legs swung across Liam's lap, the chair wobbling precariously under the combined weight and awkward position, not that either of the pair really mind.

"I guess.. I dunno, really. It going back to how it was, y'know. Before." 

He doesn't elaborate, but he needn't do so. We're all in understanding of his description; that Simon will force us backwards. That the fights and the contracts and the press and all that shit will come back; it's not all that unlikely, either, with the reunion.

"Lou, darling?"
"My greatest fear?"
"Mm."
"Oh.. I don't know. I really don't."

That's a lie, and I know Harry can tell so, the way his eyes linger on mine a touch longer than usual, even for him, and the way I can see the tip of his tongue sticking from between his teeth in thought.

I'm no scaredy cat; I'll give anything a try. I'm not scared of deep water, or heights, or snakes. Spiders, even death. It's just something that's there. If I spend my whole life in fear, I wouldn't really be living, now, would I? So no fears.

"Well. I say we turn in, we've gotta get out of here early in the morning." Liam says. "And I don't fancy being tired when we land in LA. We've got a show with Fallon tomorrow night."

We wander into the house, bidding one another goodnight. Niall, Harry and myself pretend not to notice when Zayn sneaks into Liam's room.

Harry and I bid the Irishman goodnight, heading into the master, rather than the old room we shared in twenty-ten. Harry's dad left the house in his and Gemma's shared possession when he passed last year, and we no longer needed to hole away in a small room, sharing a single bed. Gemma had quickly permitted the bands usage of the house for a week, just so we can get re-accustomed to one another before interviews togetherand, ev entually, tour.

We strip down to our underwear, both crawling under the covers in the chilly room. I pull Harry's back to my chest, burying my face in his once-again-long hair, nuzzling into his shoulder.

"I know you lied out there, Lou. What's your greatest fear?" He whispers into the dark room; there's something wrong about talking aloud in quiet rooms, even if nobody else can hear. It just feels wrong to disturb it.

"Haz."
"Please?"

There's only ever been one real fear in my life; not the monsters under the bed when I was a kid (no monsters in the closet except for me, ha) or the crippling vertigo of my sisters when I took them on the London Eye.

Since I found out about Troy, I've only been scared of losing. Losing mum, which I did. Losing my sisters, of which I've lost two. Losing Dad, which I did. 

Losing Harry.

"I don't want to lose you." I say hoarsely, so quiet I think he hasn't heard, until he pulls away, rolling over to face me, a hurt behind his eyes.

"You aren't-" he begins, but the spark of fear in my chest resists his assurances.
"You don't know that. What if someone shows up at a concert with a bomb, like that time with Ariana? Or if you get hooked on drugs like Whitney Houston. Or if someone kidnaps you. Or if you get cancer. Or if you dump me. Or if-"
"Lou, darling, you will never lose me. I will never let you lose me."

He presses his forehead on my, soothing my thoughts. We lay like that for a while, his forehead touching mine, his green green eyes staring, his curls tickling at my cheek, until I drift off to the sound of his breathing.

"I'm scared of losing you too." I hear him whisper, right before I black out.

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how was it?

thank you so much for reading. i really enjoyed writing this fic; and i really feel as though, if i were in his shoes, this is how louis would feel about facing loss. 

special mention of the girl who i wrote this for; she doesn't know it, but i'm scared of losing her, just as louis is of losing harry. you are everything to me, my love, and you will never know that. i hope that he treats you right; if not, know that i will. <3

-A xx.