Hurt

Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you. 

And you know that it will. 

Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want. 

I slipped my headphones out of my ear and looked out the window. It wasn't snowing, and I could hear Bella snoring silently next to me. Harry was driving slowly, even though there wasn't a car on the road, and I was still humming to Two Door Cinema Club's "Something Good Can Work." We were on the road for eight hours straight, and Bella decided to go to sleep after we had some dinner. She had showed me the text Niall had sent her that morning, telling her that he was back in Ireland, but he wasn't exactly sure where. He wasn't staying anywhere, and him and Carly were sleeping in the lobby in a hotel, somewhere hidden where no one would find them. 

We weren't sure what we were going to do next- take a boat into Ireland, which was fifty euros for each of us, or we would go back and let Niall do his own thing, which he begged us to do. He told us that he didn't want to cause us anymore trouble. But, Bella told me that she didn't want to go home without even knowing where Niall was. I figured she was gong to say that, so we continued driving, and Harry decided that we were going to have to stop for a couple days so Harry could earn some money somewhere. I wasn't sure where we were going to stay, and how Harry was going to earn some money, but I got my answer when our rickety red car pulled into a small two-floor white house. It was surrounded with flower pots and the paint on the windows was chipping. 

We were in Cheshire, England, back at Harry's old house. We had driven back towards the Bradford area, because Holmes Chapel wasn't too far away from my old house. "Here we are," Harry whispered. I shook Bella awake and she asked me where we were. "We are in Cheshire, at Harry's house," I said. She sat up slowly and rubbed her eyes, smearing some of her mascara on her cheeks. 

"I just got all my makeup on my face, didn't I?" she asked. I nodded and laughed as she tapped me lightly, escaping the warm car and running into Harry's house. Harry had knocked on the door and his mom opened it with wide arms, enclosing Harry in a tight hug. Bella squeezed past her, and she let out a small "hello" when she bumped into Harry's step dad. I walked in and closed the car door, shutting off the lights inside and running over to give Harry's mom a hug, also. 

It was about 7:45 when we got to Harry's house. It was now 10:00. Harry's mom had made us something to eat for dinner even though she had already eaten, and Bella and I were lying in the guest bed. Harry was tired, and we didn't feel like staying up either. 

Bella's back was to me but I could tell that she wasn't asleep. So I decided to ask her a question. She was still a little mad at me for kissing Perrie, and I don't necessarily blame her. I knew Perrie before because she had worked with me on a science fair project back in seventh grade. We haven't talked since tenth grade, when her and her family moved to Scotland for two years. By the time she came back, everyone was already in college, so I didn't get back in touch with her. We weren't really friends, but we did talk here in there. I also remember having a little crush on her in ninth grade.

"Bella."

"Hm?"

I paused and breathed in. "Do you still not see a future for us?"

I heard her sigh loudly. She didn't move, and I was getting anxious for an answer. "Zayn, there is so much stuff going on right now..."

"I didn't say for you to answer this right now."

She started to think. "I really don't know Zayn, please don't put me in an awkward position..."

"Bella, I am so, so sorry for acting like a complete and total jerk. I totally understand what you're saying- and I know now that you didn't want to kiss Harry. Or, you didn't mean to, I should say." I heard her breathing and I thought of what I could do to make her forgive me completely again. "I love you. I know that we will be spending most of Winter Break looking for Niall, but I still want you to think about keeping that baby. I think we could-"

"Zayn, please stop with that fucking baby," Bella said. She was mad. She turned around to face me. She only had on a t-shirt that belonged to Harry (she refused to wear mine, and that made me really mad because I felt like she was growing closer to Harry than we were growing closer together), a pair of pink panties, and she wasn't wearing a bra. "I don't want a baby right now, okay? And I know that for sure. And I know you say you're sorry about kissing Perrie, and we kissed in front of our motel room and I made it seem like everything was going to be okay, but it will take a long time to gain my trust back."

I didn't know how to respond to her words. They hit me like a bullet, my eyes widening at every harsh word she said. 

"And you said that you were going to stop smoking," she said, breaking the silence between us. "Don't you think I could smell the damn smoke in the car?"

I looked at her and saw her grit her teeth. She only did that when she was really mad. "I think, for now, I should sleep downstairs," she said. She took the pillow she was laying on, her phone, and a quilt that laid on the bottom of the small bed. I wanted to stop her, but I knew that she was going to get mad if I tried. There was no way I could stop her from leaving, and there was no way I could make her come back. We were going to be at Harry's house for about three days, and if we couldn't get our acts together by the time we got our boat tickets to go to Ireland and find Niall, we our relationship was basically screwed.

I sat in the dark and thought for a couple moments. I loved Bella. She was, hands down, the best girlfriend I had ever had. She loved me, at least she did, and she wasn't just beautiful, but funny and caring, and she liked all the same things I did. We did disagree about a lot of things, though, and our music taste was very different. I know that she liked Frank Ocean and Rihanna while I liked Ed Sheeran and the Beatles. 

I loved the way she would tickle my spine when she kissed me. I loved the way she would eat her spaghetti, taking huge bites, and slurping up the really tiny ones when she was almost finished eating. I loved how she would care so much about me and my health, and I loved how she would take a shower only when it was a bad day at work (which was pretty much every day), and I loved it when she would come home from the store and jump on my back, tackling me onto the couch with ginormous Burberry and Forever 21 bags in her hands. She would wear oversized sweaters and leggings that showed off her toned calves, and she would put on a snapback once in a while when we were just hanging at home. My favorite color on her was white, because it brought out her tan skin and green eyes. She would always tell me that her laugh sounded annoying, but I would kiss her to shut her up because I hated it when she would talk bad about herself.

I loved it when she would run her hands on my stubbly face two days after I hadn't shaved. She had a small music note tattoo on her right ankle to symbolize her love for singing, and she had an amazing voice. She would never sing around me, though, and she claims she has a horrible voice. She liked to bring herself down a lot, listing all of her insecurities and she wished that they would all just go away. I loved it when she would wear pearl earrings and I loved when she would put her hair up in a ponytail. I loved it when she would wear one of my hoodies because then she would want to cuddle.

I found myself heading towards the stairs and whispering Bella's name. 

"Yes?" she answered quietly.

"Would you... would you want to come upstairs anytime soon?"

It was silent.

"No. I'm not ready."

I sighed deeply and trudged back upstairs, dragging my feet on the tan carpet and feeling a tear roll down my cheek and onto the thick duvet cover.