Heaven's On Fire |Dimebag Darrell

The Gaslight

LATER THAT DAY

  After I left work, I ran back to my apartment and took a much-needed shower. I was emotionally overwhelmed when seeing Darrell, throwing myself under the shower head was the only way to soothe my chaotic mind. With the time and distance, I truly allowed myself to believe that I would be able to know how to react if I was to ever see him again, but yet here I was having a damn panic attack the moment my heart went to my ass. This was my own doing; I knew the consequences when I decided to stay in Arlington and not head back to Grand Prairie. The distance between the two was only 7 miles but for some odd reason, Arlington drew me in. Allowing me a fresh new start.

  Stepping out of the shower, I felt calmer, but my mind was still full of questions. Was I upset with Darrell or was I happy to see him? I see he was growing his beard out like we had once discussed, does that mean he felt I was right in how it looked good? I was confused. Clearly our whole relationship had changed after I left. Were they upset with me for making that final decision? Get your head together Sabian, who is to say you would see him again after today? "Yeah right" laughing to myself. Checking my digital watch, I knew I had way more time to kill than I'd like before I was to head out tonight. Walking over to my stereo, I had set up to play the last vinyl that I left in there before grabbing my nearby bong, noticing that there was little to barely any flower left. Mostly hash but it was just enough to help take the final edge off.

  I must've lost track of time when Trey came barreling in after his shift and still looking annoyed too. Shit, was he that upset that I ditched him today? "Why do you look still butt hurt?" I dared to ask, hoping my humor would lighten him up a bit. Not like he just got bombarded by his fuck buddy of several months. Trey relaxed his shoulders, "sorry just today caught me off guard. There is so much to you that I never knew, I feel I may not know you at all," he looked torn. I felt guilty. Rubbing my face, I sat up from the couch and took a good look at him. 

  While Trey was not my type that I would date, he was a good friend to me. There were many nights where we sat up shooting the shit and keeping my mind off what had happened. I kept a huge part of my past from him thinking that it never really mattered, who cared if I knew Pantera or not? I can clearly see that I was wrong, it wasn't about who I knew or not, it was about me trusting Trey with what made me feel vulnerable. Something that was life changing for me, something that created who I was today.

  I sighed; in a way he was not wrong but how was I to share something so personal that I was still processing it to this day? "Trey, I am sorry that I never told you about my history with Pantera or Darre...I mean Dimebag. I am not trying to sound cruel when I say this, but it is still too fresh for me and I am not sure when I will be ready to share that part of me with anyone right now," explaining to my roommate. Honestly, I wasn't sure if it was something that I would ever really be ready to share. I could tell Trey was really trying to understand what I had just told him before accepting my answer. Nodding his head, "fair enough," shrugging his shoulders as he took up the empty spot on the couch next to me.

  We hung out for a bit till the time was 7:45PM, leaving us only a little time to get ourselves ready before heading out. Trey and I were usually not the type that took too long. Guess life out on the road really taught me a lot, I never had the time to just pick my outfit out and apply makeup, no it was you having to grab and go. Leaving me sometimes with mismatched socks some days or going completely commando under my clothes on others. Luckily for me, makeup was never something I cared for, I was more into embracing my natural side when it came to my face. If I was to use anything that was makeup it was mascara and some chap stick. I may have been made fun of them, but I never really wanted to hide my imperfections like my freckles. It was who I was, so why hide that?

  Walking into my room, I went straight for my closet that was littered with band shirts or random funny ones that I would find in gas stations while out on the road. I guess you could say I was more of a tomboy when it came to my clothes, I was more for comfort than style. My shirts most of the time were one size too big and my pants either adored holes or rips. Every once in a while, I slid into a skirt but usually they were pared along with my doc martens. I was the kid on the playground that left with cuts and bruises on her knees, while the other girls were busy playing with their dolls and being groomed to be the perfect wife. By the time I was in high school, my friends consisted mostly of boys which in return gave me many girls upset that I was around their boyfriends. What they didn't know was that during those times, I was questioning my sexuality and found myself crushing on a few girls. Later getting my answer, it was just a phase.