Only Broken People

The Funeral

How do I say goodbye to someone I have been with my whole life? They didn't have to die, they didn't deserve it, it just doesn't make sense to me. I can't think straight, nothing makes sense anymore. I should've died along with them; I was going to be there. There is so much more I wish I could've said but there was so little time. 

But...

Unfortunately, I am stupidly alive and don't deserve to be alive. 

I stand here in front of their graves, all 3 of them, my Mum, Dad, and Brother. All this guilt is weighing me down, I feel it on my body. The last time I saw them we were fighting and I was being really stubborn, it is all my fault, if I had just said I was sorry this whole situation would have been different. It is all my fault and there is nothing I can do now. 

I have my eyes locked on the names on the graves, I feel my vision start to blur and my body starting to tremble. I really hate funerals, even people I don't know, they make me feel sad and sick, physically. As if I can feel the death, I can feel what happened. 

I look to the side where the pastor is talking, he's rambling on about their lives and I feel his eyes looking at me. It's my turn to talk, I never wanted to, but my Auntie said it would be in respect for them and they would be proud of me. But I know that is not true, it makes me feel sick. I feel dizzy, all this pressure and guilt I have. I begin to walk my way up to where the stand is. I go up and stand there, I look at every one. Wearing black, black dresses, shirts, pants, it's so dark, my Mum would have wanted everything to be bright- she would have been happy if it was done like that, the sky is so dark and gloomy.

I grab my speech out of my pocket, it's crumbled up. My hands are shaking, this is too much for me. I feel the tears go down my cheeks, they feel like fire. I can't speak, my throat just cannot make out the words. I feel everyone's eyes on me, they are expecting me to talk, they want me to. But I can't. It's just too hard, how am I meant to talk about their lives, when I was the one that could've stopped it. Then without thinking I ran off the podium and ran to the car. 

I sit in the driver's seat and slam the car door shut, no one deserves to do what I was meant to do. Not even me, and I am a terrible person. I wipe the tears away and start the engine, but I don't start to drive, I just sit there and cry.

I should go. I can't go back. I don't want to.

Then I hear a knock on my window, it's James. James is my best friend, being bullied in high school, I just cut off everyone, and I didn't even try, previous friends had left me to become popular and just discarded me- but James stayed he was the only one that did. No matter what I did to avoid him, he would find a way to spend time with me and make me happy. 

I wind down my window. 

"What do you want James?" I say, wiping tears away. 

"Are you okay?" I say nothing. He has no idea what I'm going through, I know he only is trying to help but seriously- I don't need or want a lecture.

"Amber, are you okay?"

"No," I say softly.

"You know I am here if you need me."

"I know."

"But what?"

"I don't want to talk"

"I know Am, but I am still going to talk with you" Then he walks away, wow he has never done that. But then he is on the other side of the car (passenger side) and hops into the front seat. 

"Are you serious James?" I laugh off.

"Yes, I am, I am here to help Am"

"I know, but I'm fine"

"Define fine Amber"