Those Ocean Eyes

Chapter 38

Rachel may be a gigantic pain in the ass – Cassie was on the verge of forcibly evicting her from the bathroom after she spent nearly forty minutes getting ready for bed – but she can pass for a Disney Princess when she's sleeping. Her hair's fanned out over the pillow, and she looks so young and angelic, Cassie's suddenly painfully aware of the age gap between them. Sure, it's not Roman Polanski levels of perverted, but seeing Rachel like this – lost in a dreamless sleep, like she doesn't have a care in the world - makes her feel guilty for being such an inconsiderate asshole earlier. It's just easier to pretend that she's not emotionally invested in this (whatever the hell it is), because it was never supposed to mean anything, anyway. She never expected Schwimmer to develop feelings for her. When Rachel looks at her with glistening eyes that seem to say, "you're my first, my last, my everything," Cassie has to remind herself that she's just a kid who probably falls in and out of love at the drop of a hat. It's easier to act like the sex is mediocre than admit that she's never been this turned on before – to make Schwimmer feel like an inept novice when, in reality, she's a born overachiever.

All Cassie wanted to do was facilitate Schwimmer's transition from a sheltered schoolgirl to a self-assured woman; dirty her up a bit so she could fulfil her potential and tap into the parts of herself that she was too inhibited to share. A couple of months ago, she thought it would be easy to walk away; she thought the sex would be purely physical, but Schwimmer screws like she sings – she puts her heart and soul into it and holds nothing back - and it's hard not to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Cassie's still desperately trying to keep a safe distance and stay detached (she knows how much it hurt to say goodbye to Rachel the first time around, and she doesn't intend on getting that close again, even if it means all she ever offers Schwimmer is an insight into life beyond the missionary position), but Rachel seems intent on bridging the gap between them. It makes Cassie want to push her to breaking point so they can both stop deluding themselves; to say whatever it takes to drive her away, because she knows it's only a matter of time before Schwimmer comes to the inevitable conclusion that this is never going to work out; that they're about as compatible as Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Cassie could cope with the back-and-forth banter, the countless confrontations, the perverse pleasure she derived from getting Rachel all riled up, but this is a whole new ball game. She's actually starting to care about Schwimmer's feelings, and she doesn't want to get to the point where they take precedence over her own.

Cassie suspects that Rachel's only attracted to her because she's had a taste of what Schwimmer wants so badly – because she knows how to make a mark and get noticed amongst a sea of desperate wannabes - but the allure of dating a failed Broadway sensation isn't going to last for long. Sure, Cassie still has the moves, but she's not the real deal anymore. Someone younger, someone more talented, someone with a dick is probably going to come along and sweep Schwimmer off her feet, and then the novelty of having an illicit dalliance with her former dance instructor is rapidly going to lose its appeal.

There's nothing Cassie hates more than letting someone have sway over her emotions, and the thought of her happiness and sense of self-worth resting in the hands of a nineteen-year-old girl is just... ridiculous. She shakes her head to dispel the disconcerting thoughts, and then picks up her laptop again, comparing rental rates for dance studios in the vicinity of her apartment. She tries to find one that's reasonably priced without looking ramshackle enough to scare off her clientèle, but it's not easy, because her eyes keep drifting over to Schwimmer, who's still fast asleep and apparently intent on staying that way.

Cassie watches the steady rhythm of Rachel's chest rising and falling, and then her eyes rove a little lower, tracing the curve of Rachel's slender hips and the flat plane of her stomach. After seeing Schwimmer prance around her dance studio in short skirts and skimpy leotards, Cassie's had ample opportunity to let her imagination run wild, but the reality of seeing Rachel stripped bare somehow managed to surpass even her most gratuitous fantasies. Schwimmer may still have a few lessons to learn when it comes to the art of sex appeal, but that hot little body of hers speaks volumes.