Lovers

01

When the unbroken parts of a soul are reaped, only the tears of their ember remain. I was told or rather convinced that the life i have is the only possible solution to everything.

I found no value or rather everything i did was of less value than in the eyes of the people around me.

My name is Lozen Akizawa and I've always tredded along life, without mastering anything serious. Failure is like the repeated demise to me. I have no success.

I am an alcoholic, broken, dumb and single adult with no point of where to go with my remaining life.  I have noone who can be very angry for me, noone who would love me and thus find better things for me to do.

I will find a way if i have to carve my name on it. Before i die i will achieve all of my goals. If ambition is a sin then drink me hell. If pain is a flicker then flick away. Because i will not stop until I've got it. I will not fail in this life. Even if i fail million times, i will not fail to get my goals. I will find the one i love, make a million dollars and get my 6 pack body.

But the motivation is too fleeting. I would rather drink Bourbon all day. Nothing seems very funny or very boring.  I'm like 5 out of 10 in my life. Not pleasant yet not dissatisfied. In my broken appartment nothing seems like a bitter bliss or a heavenly sourness.

The broken are supposed to have a hidden power that solves all their problems.

Is success a biproduct of a good action or is good action a biproduct of success? i did not knew and i did not want to find out. I just wanted to get out. Scream out all of my pains so that i don't have to think about them anymore. And yet i know that everything is pointless. Deep down i know that its all pointless. 

I know it's all pointless. The broken mind the shatered thoughts, the unknow symphony of life, i have got nothing, i am going to become nothing and i have nothing. I cannot suceed ever. And the only thing that keeps me going is that shakespeare said that it is a sin to commit suicide. Why should i listen to shakespeare when i don't know much about him other than his books? I wonder about that but most things cease at wondering. You do not get better at life by trying things that don't work. Maybe his talks are pointless to and maybe they don't work at all.

Is it really ok to have money? Well what after you have money, should you really be allowed to spend it, do you have the permission to do so? I do not hate everything but i do not want things to break anymore. The only unbroken soul is mine and if it broke down then nothing will remain.

I think that im half full and half empty. Nothing every goes my way. You can say that i am not even good enough to get a job but hey who are you to say that when you don't know how my life is going around? I am already preparing for a college degree so i don't have free time to do any else. 

I wish that was a good excuse but such lame blames don't even have enough strength to fuel me to study. I study less than 2 hours a day after college gets over and that's just lame. Why in the world would it work this way? I cannot get out and believing in myself is like a stupid eclipse. You cannot make fun of yourself when you are the only one hearing yourself. And you cannot love yourself and self sabotage at the same time. 

There are some utter beliefs in this world that were better never produced. Laziness is a distress that creeps on anyone who is. willing to take to it's strength. My only strength is my being lazy. No money, no motivation, badly addicted and can't find loving support. I couldn't have made a worse combination. Nothing is that easy when you try to do things that are either utter pointless or non convasive. No matter how much you grow as a person, if you don't grow economically then you are a rascal. That's my rule for life. And i guess ive been broke all my life. I used only my wealthy parents money until now. And ive decided to not take a penny from them after my college education is completed hence the broke status. I can't even fantom anyone ever understanding me because im too much depressed mentally. I can't ever feel fulfilled i can be satisfied but not fulfilled. This is it, im done for. I can't take this anymore.