TEACH ME PROFESSOR [Elizabeth Olsen]

Chapter 61 - The secret inside me

Y/N'S POV

She looks at me confused, but in her gaze i feel that slowly everything in her mind finds its place like a puzzle.
I admit i'm scared of her reaction, i could expect anything but i've been aware of it since the first day i made this decision and finally now i won't have to lie to her anymore.
"I'm-i'm kinda confused, you've never lost your memory have you?" she asks and i nod
"Oh thanks finally we don't have to lie anymore, i was afraid to say something wrong" Ash exclaims and we all look at her
"Like right now Ashley" MK scolds her
Lizzie looks at them and then at me
"Did they know everything? Everyone but me?" i see her eyes fill with tears and i start to fear that it was a bad decision.
"Hey do you mind to go to another room and talk about it? Just you and me" i say reaching out my hand towards her, she looks at it for a bit hesitant but then luckily she accepts and grabs it.
"We'll be right back" i tell her family and we both go into the gazebo to talk.
"It's all true?" she asks me
"Yes babe, it's all true, i never forgot about you" i admit and she lets out a sigh, holding her belly with her hands as if it hurts and turns away.
"Babe please listen to m-"
"Do you have the fucking idea how much that hurt? How much i suffered every single fucking day seeing you and knowing you didn't even know i was in your life? I've never been so fucking bad! You wanted to see me suffer, didn't you? You wanted-"
"Hey hey hold on, let me explain everything okay? Then you'll be free to think whatever you want" i say trying to calm her down, i approach her but she takes a step back.
"I feel like i don't even know the person in front of me anymore" she whispers
"Ok listen, when i woke up from the coma the first thing i felt for you was an immense hatred for what had happened to me.
I thought the only cause of why i ended up in the hospital was you and i didn't want anything to do with you anymore.
But i loved you, i mean i fucking love you, i never stopped doing it and i still wished there was the slightest chance inside you that you felt the same about me.
Then i remembered everything you said to me while i was in a coma" i begin to tell

"You-you heard me?" she asks me dumbfounded
"Yes Liz, i heard everything you said to me, i felt all the care and love you put into staying by my side and i couldn't help but think if you really didn't feel anything for me you wouldn't stay, but i was scared you know? Afraid that you may hurt me again, i no longer had trust for you.
When i woke up i didn't know if i wanted to see you again but Emma and Cassie told me everything you did for me in those weeks and i couldn't deny you from my life forever so i made the decision to stage all this, even if everyone advised me not to do it,
i did pretending to lose my memory but forgetting only you, knowing perfectly well that when you would have known everything, i could have lost you, but deep down we were already lost, right?" i stop to look at her and the tears that she was holding back now flow down her cheeks.
"Babe please" i try to get closer and this time she doesn't defend herself, i take her face in my hands and dry her tears.
"I can't believe you did that" she tells me
"I know okay? I know you suffered and i was aware of this, believe me it hurt me so much too knowing that you were feeling bad but i needed to do it, i needed to understand if i could really trust you, if you would finally be honest with me and this seemed to me the only way to understand it.
You could have gone away, you could have lied to me, you could have taken advantage of the situation, you could have behaved in many other ways without being aware that i remembered everything and instead you stayed, you were patient, you gave me my time and space, you didn't rush anything, you would even let me go to see me happy, but at the same time you showed me that you care and that you love me.
You gave me enough proofs to understand that i can trust you, that what happened was just a mistake, i mean you even broke up with Robbie for me.
And when i heard your message, well there i got the definitive answer of your love for me" i explain everything to her but she doesn't tell me anything, she looks down without meeting my gaze

"I was there but you can't you see me Liz
you can't see the way i feel for you.
I felt irrelevant, invisibile
I was falling for you and i showed in every little things i did.
You can't see how much i love you.
But i waited, i waited for your heart to express itself, for your actions to reveal to me what your mouth wouldn't confess, i waited Liz, i waited that you could recognize me as your home, that you just told me the truth but at one point it seemed just a waist of time, this was our last chance" this is all i felt before what happened between us and she needs to know, i want to be honest with her, but she's standing, like a stone.
I'd rather she vent all her anger than see her like this.