Only Broken People

Figuring Out The Truth

We walk over to a bench by a beautiful floral tree, filled with all kinds of greens and small little flowers- some bloomed, some not. We sit side by side with each other, both broken people. James very rarely opens up, maybe this is it.

"How James?"

"Army," He says blankly. James was in the army for 5 years. I am 25, and he is 26. He joined the army when he was 19, although, at the start, we both had decided to go to the same university, then he dropped out to join the army, he said it was a good experience but would never go back.

"I remember you said that you said you were in the army, but you never said what happened, you normally shut down the conversation" He looks away as I say that. He looks straightforward, I'm not sure if this is him being sensitive or if this is how he connects. I don't know, I haven't seen this side of James before and also my emotions are everywhere- I don't know what to think.

He clears his throat and gulps.

"Yes, my brother and I both joined the army"

"Your brother doesn't seem the type to take orders" James's brother was a weird character, he had main-character energy, he was one of the most popular and "bad" students in school, and he "ruled" the school. I knew that James's brother had died, but no one would tell me. Only family members were invited to the funeral, NO FRIENDS OR PARTNERS! And everyone was too sad to talk about it, so I assumed he died from something stupid. 

"He wasn't, we joined the army because we thought it would straighten him out, you know?"

"Who's we?"

"My parents mainly, I never wanted to do the army, too much pressure, I wanted to be a prosecutor as you know, but Ma and Dad thought it would be a good idea for Tom to go, and he would only go if I went."

"I see" James never told me why he left university. 

"My brother and I did it, we went there, went to places like Afghanistan, Iraq, you name it, we were an amazing team, unstoppable, receiving medals, certificates, but that ended in 2 years-" He stops, this is hard, I understand the loss for someone, but I have a feeling his loss is more traumatic than mine. I reach for his hand and squeeze it and smile.

"You can tell me, James, you can trust me" I look him in the eye, showing that I mean it.

"Ok" Then he begins again.

"We were sent back to Afghanistan, so many terrible memories there, so much loss" he pauses and continues.

"Neither of us wanted to go back.  We fought for ages about it with each other, which sounds weird cause we were on the same side, but I was fighting for loyalty to the army and to our country, he was fighting for our lives, and he went by emotion and I went by logic and loyalty. We ended out going to Afghanistan- without solving our argument, then-" his voice broke off.

"Keep going James your doing amazing"

"Then they blew up the hospital, so many sick people and my brother, he went to visit our commander who had taken 2 bullets and was needing support. He died as well. Tom died that day, on the 16th of March 2003"

"Wow, I never knew that happened James, I'm so sorry" I start to sniffle back tears, but James doesn't cry at all. He just stares away.

"It's fine Am, I've moved on, I resolved it"

"How though?"

"Letting go, knowing what they would think of me"

"I think my brother wouldn't care, his the type to easily move on from an issue, most likely the day of the explosion he would've forgotten it"

"But it's my fault"

"It feels like that, but its not, their death, is not your fault"

"But if I have done something"

"No Am, there is nothing you can do, when people come and leave this world is not up to you, you can't control it"

"I know but-"

"Stop acting like it, thinking you could've stopped it- does nothing but it burdens you"

"It doesn't burden me, it's the truth!"

"No Am, it does, you just have too much pride to admit it"