The state that I'm in. (BEING EDITED)

desolation

I was broken, broken , broken...that's the only thing I knew. Entering my room, I took my shoes off and headed to the shower. I washed my face and stared at the mirror and I just couldn't believe the mess I got myself into. One day I was happy getting a couple's massage at one of the most luxurious hotels, being pampered by Harry's attention and the next I witnessed my worst fear, Harry on a heavy make out session with a girl he had just met. He even left the club with her without caring that all my friends, the people I had worked with saw him leaving with her. If it had been just for display, to make me jealous, he wouldn't have left with her. What the hell was going on? He said we couldn't be together but definitely wanted to be part of my life and then he was snogging some random, yet gorgeous, girl.

Why did he have to react so ...so...I didn't even know how to call it. I quickly changed into a T-shirt and plunged in my bed. I switched some music on my mobile phone and I stared at the ceiling. They say that when you are happy you enjoy the music and when you are sad you understand the lyrics. I guess they are right. The pain was unbearable...just the thought of Harry burying himself in another girl he hardly knew, telling her words he only shared with me, kissing her, holding her at that very minute...desolation...utter...complete desolation...like someone rips your heart and shoves it in a bloody blender.

I felt sick. I rushed to the toilet and emptied my stomach contents replaying the scene of them together. I was broken, yes I said it before and I'll say it again. Those of you who have fallen in love and got your hearts broken will certainly understand what I mean. It's as if you cry your eyes out hoping that when you finally collapse everything will become foggy and you will disappear. He will disappear and you will feel no more. I washed my face one more avoiding the mirror and went back to my room. Thank God I hadn't woken Rose up. I was back under the covers looking at the ceiling again like the whole time I was with Harry was flashing on it. I finally managed to close my eyes tears rolling on the sides. The music was no comfort either. It added to the thorns pricking my heart, my mind.

A few minutes later I felt the warmth of a body next to me. I opened my eyes to face the ceiling afraid to look next to me.

"I couldn't do it" he whispered softly as he was lying next to me he too looking at the ceiling which became the most fascinating sight for the both of us since we didn't dare face one another.

"I couldn't go through with it" he repeated but I didn't comment.

"Val, I'm sorry" he said still whispering in his deep raspy voice.

I finally turned to look at him, tears rolling down.

"Why? We are not together. You can do whatever you want" I said calmly.

"Stop saying that, Val. Stop saying that."

"I didn't. You did. You decided for the both of us" I stated the facts.

"Jesus, what do you want from me?"he was frustrated. He was more angry with himself rather than me and I didn't have the strength, the will or the need to fight him.

"Nothing"

A few minutes passed before he spoke again.

"Why did you pay our bill?"

I didn't answer.

" I thought that Pete took care of it and he thought it was me. When I asked how much he paid...I realized it was you...it could only be you"

I turned to the side avoiding his gaze.

"You saw me with ...with her and ...and you paid for our drinks...and hers...why?" he shifted his body to me, his hand started to caress my back and I shivered at the contact.