Wasteland

Paris

Paris – The city of love. L’amour. Everyone loves Paris. Except – I don’t see it. I don’t feel it. It’s not quite what I expected – but then again, what is?

Yet, I can’t help but feel warm inside when I see the façades of the picturesque apartments. I do get a fuzzy feeling when I walk along the Seine; with The Eiffel towers silhouette looming above me. Walking with my hand intertwined with my loved one. When I sit in a local café, with a freshly baked croissant and my favorite book, I just can’t help that pleasant tingle inside of me. Is it love for the most romantic city? I think not. Tomorrow it’ll be Rome or New York. It’s just a passing thing. Every feeling is just passing through me. A year I ago, I loved Jas. Not any more. Except I still do - sometimes. Once in a while I look at the streets. All the cars passing by, never stopping for more than a few seconds. The traffic light being their only signal. That’s me. That’s how I feel inside. Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. A million confusing thoughts.

Red - I feel empty inside. I’ve been screwed over too many times.

Yellow - It’s all coming back. Hey, maybe it’s not that bad after all.

Green - I’m happy. I’m sad.

I’m quite sarcastic; hey people even say I’m negative. Let’s just say I have quite an attitude problem. Well then Welcome to my life. This is what it is. I try to be happy on the outside, but on the inside I’m just a ticking bomb. No good can come out of that, but what the hell - I’m trying my best. Aren’t we all?

Back to the warm fuzzy feelings. I’m not all bad, I have happy times.

Last year I went to Paris with my on/off boyfriend. I love Jas, but we have problems. I have some serious commitment issues and he, well he’s just messed up. We had a lovely time, walking around the streets with autumn air blowing in our hair. Shopping bags in hands and in that lovely honeymoon phase. For the fifth time or so - but who counts? Jas and Emma. Emma and Jas. When we worked, we were good together. Really good. But we were also famous for our whirlwind of a relationship. We would fight, we would break up, we would make up, scream some more, declare our true love and go on a crazy trip somewhere in Europe. We’ve been a lot of places.

The happiest memory I have from that trip was the night at the Sacré-Coeur Cathedral. Basilique du Sacré-Cœur - yeah, the two years of school French I had wasn’t an entire waste. The Sacré-Coeur Cathedral is a beautiful church in central Paris. A popular landmark, placed on the highest point of the city. So this one night Jas and I were just walking hand in hand. Just enjoying each other’s company. We decided to look inside the church - you kind of have to see the landmarks, right? Honestly, I didn’t find it to be anything that grand and after a quick walk around inside, we decided to sit on the stairs in front of it. A street artist was singing and the whole situation seemed quite romantic. Within 20 minutes or so, the whole staircase was more or less filled with all sorts of people. People sang along, people smiled, people talked. As I sat with Jas’ hand caressing my lower back, beautiful Paris in my view and No One by Alicia Keys in my ears, I couldn’t help but feel whole. All my problems melted away and I just enjoyed the moment. How often is it that you can just put away every bad feeling and just enjoy the simple things in life? Just like when we were children. It’s a wonderful feeling. I wish I could feel like that every day - cliché right? But it’s true. So true.

“And no one, no one, no one

Can get in the way of what I'm feeling

No one, no one, no one

Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you

Can get in the way of what I feel for you”