I thought all my problems would be solved many ways. One way was to get straight A's. To get academic validation. I just turned into a nerd. A selfish person that shows off their work and put others down. Anytime I try to tell my friends about how proud I am of myself, they tell me to shut up. That we get it, "you're little miss perfect, you don't have to brag." I tell my parents and they look at it like it's the bare minimum. The best gift I've gotten for having good grades is a hug. Christmas and birthday presents don't count. After all they got my brother the same exact thing as me, he doesn't have straight A's. It just shows that it's what they expect from me. Though when they talk about me to their friends, they show me off like I'm their little golden child. Then they proceed to take all the credit. "She couldn't of done it without me." Fun fact, I don't know why I care so much about good grades anyways. Obviously it doesn't change my life whether I get good grades or not. I was telling my best friend that I have to get a homework assignment done one night. I told her which one it is. She asked why I wanted to do it when it's not done for a whole week. I told her that I don't know, just better to finish it early. She asked me why I wanted good grades so bad, that my parents didn't even care that much so why? I didn't have an answer. I don't even know why. Maybe it's to be better then everyone? Maybe to make me feel good about myself? Or maybe to hide away how much I hate how I look? That brings me to my second reason. Starving. Sure I've never went a whole day without eating. Sure the most I've ever lost was 12 pounds and I wasn't even able to keep it off. I've never been called fat at school, other than the occasional joke, fatass. When it comes to food im like a vicious animal. I'll fight for food, beg or plead for food and even cry for it. My mom told me that one time my siblings locked up the fridge so I would stop eating. I cried and whined. Sat by the fridge the whole time. It was like I was one of those people whose brains couldn't tell them they weren't hungry. I'm not. I'm the youngest so you bet my siblings only talked to me when I was convenient for them. I'm not spoiled but as a kid I was the favorite. I didn't wanna be the favorite. I just wanted to hang out with my siblings. They didn't wanna. One time when my cousins were over playing video games with my brother. I just wanted to watch them play. At least. They made a treaty with me, if I didn't talk I could stay. I was there for around ten minutes when one of them asked me if I could get them some water. I said sure and I went to get some. After all they were in the middle of a game and I wasn't. It wouldn't hurt me to go grab something like it would hurt them. I came back with the water and noticed the door was closed. I tried the knob. It was locked. So I knocked on the door. I heard laughing as one of them told me I talked so I can't come in. I screamed that it's not fair. I practically fought the door but they never let me in. I just ended going to my room crying. Then I went to see what's in the fridge. Another time that my cousins were over playing video games, I went into the room. I ended up exiting it by being dragged across the floor. Sure it was just normal siblings behavior but it really impacted how I eat, how I cope and how I socialize. None of my household taught me how to ride a bike. I would always ask my sister and she would just tell me I need to practice and send me outside by myself. One time I asked her while my second cousins were over and she told me to leave her alone and she'll teach me another time like she always did. My cousin volunteered to help me. We went outside and she taught me how to ride it. I've always had a bike. That's all my family could do, they could buy me the whole world and then tell me to take care of it by myself. They could also buy me all the food in the world and pressure me to eat it. Then proceed to call me a pig, tell me I'm a whale swallowing food whole. My friends have never directly called me fat but my family sure has. "That ass is all fat." "Pig." "I keep on telling her not to eat that." "You're gonna end up like your cousin." The things they've said. Yet they're the reason I am this way. My friends have never called me fat but they have expressed it other ways. Like if I ever say gym is too hard, they'll tell me I'm overdramatic. I bet if I was skinny they'd agree. The stares I get. One time a teacher was talking about fat people, I'm not sure why, but a kid stared at me and grinned. Like he was trying not to laugh. Sometimes I believe they call me fat behind my back. One time me and my friend were talking about people close to us. Mostly our friends and she called one of them fat. At first she was like, "don't tell her I ever said that." Then she was like, "I mean I'm not lying." Which makes me think she probably says the same bad words about me around others. I bet she calls me rude, fat, bratty, stupid and many other words behind my back. I bet everyone talks behind my back about me. Sure I could cry about it but I just eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Until I feel so sick I can't force anymore down my throat. Yet sometimes I acknowledge what they call me and decide to turn that around. 1,600 calories. 1,450 calories. 1300 calories. All the way to 900. That was the last time I ever "starved." I'm not sure when the first time was. I just have a faint memory of being in the shower. Every single day as a kid I would look down to my belly and think, "I'll stop eating tomorrow." I wasn't sure why I thought that. I just noticed everyone around me thought it was a problem and as a people pleaser I always wanted to get rid of it. As I grew older I noticed skinny girls had more friends, were prettier, more acknowledged, more successful, confident, happier. I wanted that. I still do. I want to be skinny. I want people to not look at me like I'm a fat rat prancing at their feet. Like I'm not just a random weird book nerd. Then one of the final ways I thought everything would get better. To shut away. I would always tell my friends my problems. Tell them about things my parents did, tell them when I self harmed, do anything to put attention on me. When they stopped hanging out with me, I noticed what I did to them. I was a weird emo. As people say it now a days. I didn't want to be burden like that to anyone else so I shut away. I don't tell people about my problems. I don't tell them when I feel down or I feel like harming myself. I sometimes tell them about my parents but play it off as a joke. Soon I noticed people calling me nice, happy, and sweet. I also noticed people calling me rude and mean. I got into a friend group where everyone just judges everyone else. Soon it was hard to have a conversation without making fun of someone else to keep the conversation going. So when ever someone called mean, I just asked them how and they'd always replied with, "I don't know." Then we would completely ignore the fact and continue our day. I so bad wanted to scream. I always want to scream. Scream until I'm mute. Until I lose my voice. I can't hurt anyone if I can't talk. I wish I couldn't talk. If I couldn't talk, I wouldn't even have to take back words I said, because I wouldn't of said them to begin with. I wish problems would solve themselves. I wish all problems could be solved. You'd think they can when even a vertical slope has an answer. That answer being undefined. I call problems that can't be solved a mistake. I may be one of those problems.
