That Winter

farewell

"Pull the trigger Chuuya"
He held the tip of the gun directly at his heart, the weapon moving up and down in beat of his heartbeat.
"Do you feel it? My heartbeat against your hand, it's never beaten this fast before. Like how my love has never existed for another before"
The brown haired man smiled as he kept one hand on the gun's head, the other on Chuuya's neck.
"No, there's another way, there has to be.." he couldn't bear to do it. No one could to the person they loved, "you don't have to die" he fought back tears, but felt his vision become blurry.
"Hmm but no, I'm sorry it had to end like this" Dazai had never spoken with such sincerity in his life before, and he felt regretful he only spoke like this to Chuuya in their last moments together.
"Go ahead. Shoot me."
The redhead shook his head lightly, refusing to look into his deep brown eyes.
"Please?"
He shook his head again.
"Talk to me"
"I have nothing to say"
"Why? This is the last time we will be meeting"
"..."
The tears Chuuya had been fighting ever so hard spilled out as he looked up, gazing straight into Dazai's affectionate eyes, he wanted to leave no regrets, he wanted to get enough of that face, even though he knew he never would.
"Stop that Chuuya" the taller man turned his head away, breaking the momment, "you know I hate when you do that"
"Oh"
Chuuya bowed his head, containing his fury. He loved that man, and he knew that he loved him too, but was too weak to present it. That idiot, he'll never see me again yet he still won't look at me.
But he was wrong.
Dazai didn't hate the eye contact, he hated seeing Chuuya cry.
"Hey Chuuya?"
"what"
"Do you remember when we first met?" The man's eyes were full of nostalgia, and a tiny hint of amusement and sadness. "We got into a fight immediately. We've never cooperated since" he continued, not giving Chuuya a chance to say anything.
"So for these last minutes," he turned his head back, the gentle midnight wind sweeping into his hair, as the cold winter moonlight shone into his glassy eyes, "will you cooperate with me? Partner."
The shorter man didn't respond immediately, he was thinking about why they had to wait till their last moments to confess their love.
"Mmm"
He could only make a soft grunt of agreement for if he opened his mouth to speak, he feared that his tears would come pouring out.
"You know, I love you"
Dazai suddenly spoke up, facing the moon directly. It was a full moon that night, and the two people's heart were full of emotion.
"I alway have and I always will"
His usually playful eyes turned affectionate, they turned gentle, as if he had finally let down his fake personality.
Chuuya was speechless.
He loved him too.
They always loved each other, but they were too scared to say anything. They may have been top mafia agents and people who were trained to strip themselves of emotion and feelings but in the end, they were still people. They still had emotions, and a delicate heart but they learnt to put a huge cloth on it to muffle their secret cries.
"I-"
He mustered up the courage, it was now or never, and put down the gun lay his head on the other's chest.
"I love you too"
When those words slipped out, Chuuya felt dazai's heart thump violently and nearly laughed to himself. That feeling soon to be overcame by an excruciating sadness.
The pair stood in silence for a while, listening to the sound of nothing. Nothing was said yet everything was said, they knew nothing would change even if one of them started to speak. Someone would still die, the other would live with the knowledge that he would never see the other again. Slowly, Dazai carefully pulled Chuuya into a big hug, resting his chin on the other's head, "Don't cry" he whispered when he felt his shirt get wet with tears, "Smile for me"
Looking up with a scornful frown, Chuuya murmured, "I'm not smiling when I don't feel like it" to which he then turned around to face the window pane. The sky was turning light.
"It's morning soon huh"
"I suppose it is"
They both knew that the curse would have one of them die before the last morning star died, that would be the only way to ensure everybody's safety.
"So then, kill me, Chuuya"
The redhead remained silent as he pulled away from the embrace to stare directly into Dazai's eyes.
"You do realise you don't have to die, right?"
Dazai sighed.
"What do you mean-"
His eyes widened for a second with realisation.
"No"
Grabbing the other's shoulders, he whispered into his ears, "You can't die, Chuuya."
"Why not"
"..."
"I love you and I want you to live"
"I love you too and I also want you to live"
They both silenced. Their time was running out.
Suddenly, Chuuya took a big step back.
"Hey-what are you doing"
"Wait and see"
The redhead slowly lifted his hand, in which the gun was lying, and pointed it at his head.
"Hey! Put the gun down" Dazai quickly rushed forward to grab the other's hands, gritting his teeth.
Avoiding that action, Chuuya slid one finger into trigger.
"Thank you for every-"
"HEY STOP" Dazai yelled, reaching for the gun as the other used his ability to counter the attack.
"-thing, I love you"
The sound of a gunshot reverberated around the building, along with the sound of a person collapsing.
"No!" He rushed forward.
"Chuuya..no" Dazai stared at the body in disbelief.
"The doctor will come soon, you'll live it's ok" he frantically got onto his knees and pulled Chuuya into his arms.
But he knew nothing would awaken him again. He knew a shot in the head was deadly. He knew but he still hoped.
"No, no, no.." he murmured to himself, fiery tears burning his eyes as he watched Chuuya's blood spread onto his clothing, and turning the floor red, "You said we would be fighting each other till the day we passed, so come back please" he buried his head into the other's chest, "you didn't even give me a chance to say I love you back yet.." this time, the words slipped out quieter.
He whipped his tears and fought back more to spot the gun. It was still clasped into Chuuya's hands. To which he gingerly retrieved the gun and put the head onto his head. Taking one last affectionate gaze at Chuuya, he got ready to pull the trigger when suddenly...
"I love you too, and I also want you to live"
The dead man's words echoed into his brain.
This time, Dazai couldn't hold his tears any longer and slapped himself spitefully.
Chuuya wanted him to live, and he was too fulfil the other's last request. He couldn't let his sacrifice go in vain.
The man stood up heavily and stared out the window into the busy streets of Yokohama. None of the smiling people knew that a couple had to tear themselves apart for their safety. They would never know.
Then, he gazed up at the sky, and raised a brow, as if mocking the gods for giving them such a terrible fate. The dark midnight sky was turning brighter and brighter, unusual for a winter morning. Until, the last morning star disappeared, Dazai's heart left with it.
Then, he turned his gaze onto the corpse of the person he loved dearly and smiled, "Don't worry partner, I'll protect our beloved city"
Out of the blue, he shuddered.
From both cold and pain.
That winter morning was the coldest he had ever experienced.

1315 words