lost in my mind

            I laid back down on the bed and stared up at the ceeling fan blades spinning around, i started thinking about my mom, part of me hoped she was okay bu atnother part of me didnt care. Why should i be the slightest bit concerned for her when she never cared about me? I knew that deep down she didnt want to be the way she is, the burdens of life hardened her and alcohol was her only means to escape the harsh reality of the real world, but its not an excuse. Isnt the goal of most parents is to provide better lives for their children?  in my case ..no. its all her fault that im like this. thanks to her ill never know true love or friendship, i never asked to be like this but being forced to grow up at a young age has hardened me to a point of no return. Not even the people i call my best friends know how i am truly just a shell with nothing inside of me. Felix only knows what he mannaged to pry out of me from time to time wich isnt nearly as much as what happened. i always sugar coated it for him, i know he hated seeing me hurt.

            My mind then shifted over to Felix, i remember the day i met him. It ws 6th grade, he was the new kid, i was on my way over to my ususal table where i sat alone just how i liked it. I happened to look over at the "cool" table and saw a boy surrounded by girls, although he was surrounded by people who clearly adored him... he never looked more alone. Our eyes met, his blue eyes where souless, i half smiled at him and nodded towards my empty table. His blue eyes lit up with excitement as he grabbed his belongings and walked to sit across from me, "hi im felix" he winked. Even then he was a huge flirt, i rolled my eyes "Terra" i stated, i closely examined him, his eyes where a beautiful shade of dark blue, his skin was a light olive shade, scattered with bruises and cuts, his hair was spiked up. "are you new here too?" he asked looking down at the table "no" i said "oh.... then why re you sitting alone?" he asked clearly embarrased by his assumption.   

           "Im alone because i dont want to get attatched to anyone, everyone always ends up walking out on you in the end anyway so why bother building bridges if theyre going to burn?" i said codly "well i wont walk out on you" he said placing his hand on mine. I instantly froze when he touched my hand, i was used to rejecting any contact anyone tried to make with me but in that instant i felt somthing. I fet my heart soften for a moment, no one has ever reached out to me before. I tried to savor the feeling of that emotion but it quickly faded. I didnt actually belive he would stick around.. no one ever does and im not sure if it was the hurt broken boy on the inside that i saw in his eyes or if i was going just plain crazy but i decided to stick with "mr. popular". So far he fufilled his promise, he hadnt walked out on me.

            I had'nt realized but max was in the room looking at me "you think too much" he teased i smiled because he ws right, i did think too much. He started to pull down his pants "what are you doing?!?" i asked in astonishment "putting shorts on?" he said "oh... right.. sorry" i blushed. He laughed, i looked at him closely he was like a mirage, so beautiful in every way that i thought he would dissapear before my eyes. He looked up at me and i quickly looked away, he walked over to me took my hands and picked me up off of the bed and pressed his forehead to mine, we both stood there in comfortable silence. My hands where over his chest and i could feel his steady heart beat, the room was dark with the moon filtering in through his window, his lips only centimeters from mine made my anxiety rise and i started shaking. "we should go" he smiled clearly satisfied by my reaction, I crossed my arms over my chest uncomfortable by the way he made me feel. Max slid his hand down to mine and our fingers intertwined, and although every part of my soul was screaming to shrink away from his touch..... i ignored it.   

               Max grabbed a plastic bag that had our food in it and he lead me down the stairs and out the back door. We walked hand in hand to the lake and with every step we took i grew more and more anxious because i couldnt wait to see this lake again it was alittle piece of heaven. I had to admit i wanted to know more about max before i got myself any more associated with him "so Max tell me about yourself" i said sweetly. He stiffened up and the grip on my hand got tighter...  "well im 18, and im stnding next to the most beautiful girl in the world" he winked. I couldnt help but blush "whatever" i playfully pushed him, "its true" he laughed, he snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, then we both sat down. Max had  a playfull glint in his eyes as he pulled out two french bread, turkey, and cheese sandwiches, a box of cheese-its, and juice pouches, i couldnt help but laugh he was so cute and childish, "so terra?" he asked while upwrapping his sandwich "yes?" i said back while taking a bite out of my sandwich "tell me about yourself" he said 

                I swallowed hard "what do you want to know?" i asked as calmly as i could, although my voice came out shaky, "what do you like to do?" he asked csually, i was relived by the simple question. "well i like to listen to music... and look at the stars, read, and i like to dream its better than reality." i said shruging my shoulders as if it was obvious. I looked up through my eyelashes at Max and he was already looking at me with a weird look on his face, it was a look i had never seen before and it caused butterflys in my stomach. 

        I took a bite of my sandwich and grabbed a hand full of cheese- it's trying to test weather or not i could eat the butterflys away. I felt a finger gently lift my face up, i looked into max's eyes and and looked back down "stop that" i said "stop what? making you feel this way?" he teased "and how do you know your making me feel somthing?" i questioned  "i can tell" he winked. His face was dangerously close to mine and i could feel his cool breath, it sent shivers down my spine causing me to shake. Max lauged and bit his lip wich had to be the sexiest thing i had ever seen.

        "Last question" he said so close i could almost feel his lips move against mine "yes" i breathed trying to catch my breath. "why do you push people away?" he whispered, "i can answer that with a better question" i whispered "how do you heal, a heart that cant feel?" I said looking away "then i guess ill just have to make it feel" he smirked and crushed his lips to mine. I was shocked.... in a good way. He snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me on to his lap and i wrapped my legs around his waist kissing him back. I tried not to over think this time. I entangled hy fingers into his hair and i felt him smile against my lips. My heart pounded in my chest and secretly to my dissapointment..he pulled back.

        "What about now?" he smirked