how to lose yourself

Procrastinations and Overthinking

I've tried staying calm, I never wanted to be filled with hate. I don't like being angry, I'd taught myself how to forgive and got walked all over. Can't I get redemption? I'll lose myself before anyone can find me.

"Why do I have to experience this pain" that question has echoed through my head for longer than I could ever recall. Even after burying it with more wonders it still sought attention, it still screams in sorrow.
Pain drenched tears cover my body. My mind wonders about whomever can see what goes on in my head.

"I didn't need the pity" "why do they care? Just let me die" "don't worry, it's not helping" "don't touch me please!" "Please hug me, I really need it" "go away!" "Don't look at me!" "I need someone to stay! why does everyone have to leave?" "I just need someone....." the thoughts spread, they seep through my brain.

Death is the only thing to drown it out..I know how to die, there are many ways. I might leave soon..... I won't return you know....... you can't return after you've already left! it'll be to late.. you were to late. You could've helped, but you never. It's your job yet you failed, you didn't do shit and it wasn't the first time. You just do that to everyone. You don't care, no matter what you say noone will trust you.

I could die, but the thought of missing out on a life that could potentially get better wins.

Stepping of the edge of the tower I put my glasses back on. '25th January 2022' the date on the suicide note only triggered tears. I tried to end it all while the 1st month of the year didn't even pass. I shoved the note into my bag and cuddled my teddy, if noone will comfort me atleast my teddy could.

This same tower hold so many good memories but now whenever I would look at it in the future, all I would ever see is death. I'll start slipping away, no friction, no resistance.

Over a year later and everything has only gotten worse. Everyone wants me dead, nobody wants me to stay, just leave me here already! Let me rot alone, I know what I'm doing is wrong. Well not everyone wants me dead.. Only half of my friends, more than half... They aren't my friends anymore they hate me. And it's all over a crush which I can't control!

'I like you too but I have a gf, can we still be friends?', 'she said she'd date you once her and her burd breaks up' those words echo through my head, I can't help but hope they break up I feel bad about it, but if everyone is going to hate me for having a crush on someone I should atleast be able to date her. Then I'd get something out of this whole situation.

What if I mess up.
What if she hates me too.
Why should I wait for someone else?
Why should I stay alive?
I deserve to rot.
Please....

I looked down at my naked body as I stepped into the shower, rinsing the thoughts away. "Whore", "Slut", "Freak". Are those words true? Is that what I've become. I can't even stand to see my body, it's just so...... I don't even know anymore.. I feel so disgusting, I feel so exposed and the pittyfull look on everyone's faces after they know a small amount of what's going on In my life doesn't help at all. I don't need your pity! I don't need anyone.

Exept from her.
I need her, I need her so bad. I shaked away my thoughts as I was done washing my body and hair, I squeezed some of the water out my hair with a towel then put clothes on before exiting the bathroom.

I layed on my bed, staring at my screen hoping that she'd text me. I don't have the confidence to text her myself, like what if she doesn't like talking to me, what if I'm being to clingy?

I checked the time to see that it was getting late "I'll just sleep it off" I thought to myself.