I'm afraid. I'm honestly afraid of a lot of things. Being alone is one of them. I scare people off, because I'm crazy. My anxiety makes me say things I don't mean, and I worry way to much. And when I'm sad, I say a lot of things, a lot of I I don't mean or I say out of pain. The thing is, I believe I'm a fuck up. I believe I mess everything up because of my sadness or anxiety or that I say to much or push to much or wrry to much. That's how I feel about myself. I hate the way I am but also love me because I'm me. I'm no one else and I song choose to hide it. I'm chubby. Not a lot of people like that. So society throws that at you makes you change. I'm dark, society doesn't like that, so they make you change. I'm ugly, society doesn't like that, so they make you change. But ultimately it's your choice to change. But it's so hard having that thrown in your face everywhere you go. I write my anxieties away, I read, I eat, I draw, I play video games, I do other things. I don't workout, I don't do what society wants me to do. So I'm judged, I'm called emo, I cut myself, I wama kill myself. My words are my feelings not my actions. My actions are caring jesters to people who need help, t people who are like me, but cut themselves or do worse things. I want to help stop that because, there are better ways to get rid of pain without causing it. I know what pain is. I lost everything. In one day. Didn't even have a chance to say goodbye in person. One day I'm just put on a plane and shipped to the other side of the country. So yes I'm in pain I'm alone. I'm going to say scary things. I even scare myself. But it's how I feel about myself. I'm to afraid to do anything stupid and I'm way to afraid to see if heaven or hell is real before I'm even supposed to go. I'm just me. I'm caring, I'm filled with love, and I hate society. I will talk for hours about random things, I'm honestly addicted to sexual things. And you know what, I'm not afraid to admit anymore, I need to stop denying the more I do, the more I go back to it. I don't have many people to talk to anymore, last thing I need is for someone to feel sorry for me. But I digress and forgive and forget. I hate grudges and I hate things that get brought up over and over again. I'm also a walking contradiction on some things. But that's just me. I think I've made this long enough so no one wants to even read it. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid my nightmares will come back. I miss being happy what ever happend to that? It was simple. I could actually put on a real smile instead of wearing a mask. Hell this ramble might as well be a chapter to a book rhat no one wants to read. I'm horrible with these things. First sign of me talking to much right here. I'm an idiot amd that how I feel about myself. People hate people like me because I beat myself up. It's hard not to, I have a habbit of saying sorry even if I don't need to, and beat myself up about it. It's a problem that's hard to fix and I don't know how to fix. I'm not going to take pulls for it either. I believe happiness and cures come from different things. I'm weird.... I know. I'm going to stop talking, I'm making a fool of myself, might as well give my life story
"I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride"
