Confessions of a bogged down teenage girl

My personality

          Sometimes, I feel as though I am the utmost perfect person to ever be made. Five minutes later, I question my whole existence.
          To truly come to terms with myself I have to be brutally honest even though I might not like what I have to say.
          One thing about myself is that I love the sound of my own voice. Yet, everything I want to say, I want it to come across on a deeper level as if I'm incapable of having a lighthearted conversation. Every word has to have some profound meaning and it makes me feel as though I have something to prove. I seem to have an irrational fear of being perceived as shallow even when i am at a party or just talking to my sister. I don't know why I have this huge urge to prove that I have all these complex thoughts but I do.
          I am a worrier not a warrior. I feel every situation twice. The first time being in my mind when I'm up until the early mornings debating every possible scenario that may play out and the second time being when one of these scenarios come to life. I am so scared of the unknown that I don't let myself just relish in the moment. Perhaps, this is the reason I can't watch a new movie or series by myself, only reruns of series I've already watched, as I already know the ending. Or, how I read the last page of a book first. Somehow, this brings me immense comfort.
          However, despite how annoying I find these qualities I also appreciate and embrace them. They allow me to be more perceptive and observant. When I talk to people, I mean every word I say and because every word I say I carefully choose, I imagine that other people do the same thing. This is a blessing and a curse. I really listen to people when they speak. Due to this, I believe is the reason I hold grudges and find it hard to brush off comments that are made. If a person is telling me how they feel about me or my reaction in a certain situation I take it to heart because I imagine they've thought about this obsessively like I do and they were careful with the words they choose. I know this is not always the case, but it has allowed me to stop watering dead plants. When a person tells me how they feel about me, I listen. And if it's not nice I distant myself. Because even if they didn't mean it, it's important to listen to how people talk to you and if they're comfortable with disrespecting you.
         I feel as though so far, I've painted myself in a bad light. As if I'm extremely hard to impress and impossible to have any type of relationship with. But I'm also the girl who would do anything for you. That was hard for me to write as I don't like tooting my own horn but I said I'd be honest. And the truth is I'm an overachiever to every extent. I can not settle for any less than 100%. So I put 100 into every relationship in my life. Unless there's a setback, then I put in 0% but I've never found this to be the case with relationships, only work. Because I cannot stand for half ass effort. It's all or nothing. I love hard and I'm okay with that. I would rather be the girl who loved too hard than the girl who never loved at all. And no, it hasn't always paid off but someone else's treatment towards me isn't a reflection of me which used to be hard to come to terms with.
          I'm impatient, when I want something I want it then and there. Or I become demotivated. I want to get to the destination so bad, I forget to enjoy the journey. Lately I've been trying to work on that as it's not my favourite trait but nonetheless it's there.
          I am kind, sometimes to the extent that it derails my own happiness. I don't like letting people down. I guess you could say I'm a people pleaser. I hate that disappointed look, I loathe it. I do everything in my power to avoid it.
         I'm loyal, I can't pick and choose. If you've hurt someone close to me you've hurt me. However, sometimes this trait only goes on to hurt me as it hasn't always been reciprocated.
         While I feel as though I've made a good start on my personality, I think I've pointed out more of my negative traits. I'm okay with that though as they're the harder traits to come to terms with. And if I can't recognise them I can't work on them.