Du Trésor au Fantôme

2 - Feu sur Feu

No one had warned me about loving someone who happens to be exactly like me at the core. But even if they had, the warning still wouldn't be enough because this particular circumstance is uncommon and is a special case you only hear about through the whispers of your intuition you so ignorantly ignore. Everyone who has ever been down this road before gets struck with the same flood of confusion, the same waves of bliss and arguments over miscommunication, the same damn cat and mouse game, the same dark night of the soul, but most of all the same little warnings of the universe that this is no ordinary experience and romance has very little to do with it, so please prepare yourself.

My first official warning and insight to what was coming was literally all right there in the book trilogy I wrote, every fucking issue and upcoming event, the relationship dynamic and the answers to my future questions were right there for me to look at. Funny how that works, huh? I didn't plan that. I didn't know that I was writing a relationship and a person (my character was in love with) I'd come to know so well outside of fiction. Nowadays I can hardly pick up the fucking books.

Hear me out.

I couldn't understand why two people who love each other so much can fight so much and misunderstand each other so often. I'd tell myself to run away, I didn't care, I'd forget you in no time, until I'd find myself doing what I've never done before: fight against self sabotage, put my pride aside, and go get my girl. And you'd find yourself doing that same exact thing. Because we'd only be fooling ourselves if we didn't. Maybe we did everything right and it led us to where we were meant to be all along but sometimes I feel like we did everything wrong. Fuck the nature of our relationship, why couldn't we be different? Why couldn't we go against the current and just love each other correctly from the first try? Why couldn't we have put down our swords and realised that we weren't supposed to be fighting each other, we were supposed to surrender our weapons and fight whatever was keeping us apart?

I'd run away from you because I wanted to love you so badly and because I missed you. You'd ignore me then fight me because you wanted to talk to me so badly and because you missed me. I wouldn't hear you, you wouldn't hear me. We'd rather fight and play these fucking games out of pride and fear of vulnerability when vulnerability was exactly what we needed from each other. Sometimes you demonstrated the worst parts of me and I used to get so angry at you until it dawned on me that you were just my perfect mirror and all I had to do was change those parts. It was tough facing myself and not knowing that I was. I don't know if you've ever realised that yourself...you never told me. You stopped telling me things. But I hope you see that now for your own sake.

I'd run and you chase, you'd run and I'd chase. But then you didn't stop running and I didn't stop chasing. And while I was chasing, you tried convincing me that you weren't running. I'm no saint but, honestly, given how avoidant you are with many things outside of us, I should've understood that this wasn't something to take as personal as it feels. Because just like you are mine, I am your perfect mirror too. So how did it feel to run so much from yourself? Did it make you feel better? If not, is that why you kept coming back?

My sentiments were that you just needed a love that was safe and I just needed to be better, to do better. Sure, that was the case, I had a lot of growing to do and so I worked tirelessly on myself. I'd hate to love you when I'm not the best version of myself. But WOW would it have also been amazing to fucking consider that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you didn't even feel safe inside yourself and I was the constant reminder. I was the constant reminder that you couldn't trust yourself. You're fine with losing yourself, of course you'd be fine with losing me. You're fine with coming back to yourself, why wouldn't you be fine with coming back to me? I was never exactly the only problem for you, you were a bigger problem for you than I was.

The reason I can even say these things with confidence? These epiphanies were my own. The multiple reality checks I've had beaten into me for two years now forced me to my wake the fuck up and comprehend that I was a bigger problem for myself than you were for me. It has everything to do with me and little to do with you, although you play a huge fucking role. And as much as I wish this weren't the case, as it's challenging being connected to someone this way, it is. You've helped me grow into the kind of woman I can be proud of and truly love, not because you loved me at my worst and halfway through me evolving into my best, but because you unconsciously taught me how...by me loving you. If I could love you that much, I could love myself. I have to. Otherwise I'd be lying to you when saying those three words.

All of these wounds that has burdened my soul since I was old enough to process that I was getting hurt by the FIRST woman I have innocently loved unconditionally, from four years old all the way to twenty-two, continuously opened up by you until I finally addressed them and did the necessary healing. Without you, I wholeheartedly admit, I would be nothing close to who I am today. And without you leaving all those times, without your ruthless neglect and refusal to change, I wouldn't have had the space to redirect and pour all that love you left untouched into myself so that I could grow. So I sincerely thank you.

Now here's why I say, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you.