messages i'll never send

i'm over you

it's been years.

i had forgotten i had even written any of those chapters. i forgot how i even used to write my feelings out in that way.

i opened this account again to wipe all traces from the internet. but i think i'll keep it for myself.

i wrote this originally when i was sixteen/seventeen. i am twenty two.

i am in love with a boy who is everything you were not. who treats me like the most precious thing on the earth. who compliments me multiple times daily. who is so proud to call me his girlfriend. who makes me a better person and never makes me feel insecure about myself or our relationship.

we have been together two and a half years. i know i love him and i know i'll marry him.

i now understand that it was okay to be hurt by you. you refused to call me your girlfriend because you never felt a spark and instead of cutting it off you dragged me on for six months. you bailed on dates all the time and never was proud of who i was. but we were children. and you couldn't help how you felt about me. but you made a bad choice. and it hurt at the time but it made me realize later on what to look for and steer clear of. i realize now that it was never going to work because we didn't have shared values and beliefs and you made me feel worse when i was with you because i never felt good enough for you, and i wasn't because you didn't ever have that connection. i wish you were honest earlier but also the pain changed me.

your mom still always says hi. i feel less awkward now. your little sister still remembers me. if it weren't for moments like that i'd think that i made you up because i had almost forgotten all about you.

i hope you don't think about me. i'm embarrassed of the person i was when i was with you and i can't imagine what you have said to other people about me.

but i do hope you're happy. i'm sorry i wished so many horrid things.

i know you'll never read this and frankly i hope it stays that way. but i'm happy having forgotten you.