The Rhapsody of My Freshmen Mind

My Rhapsody

PART 1:

 As a kid, I had two loves... Brittney Spears and Pizza Rolls. I can distinctly remember having a Lisa Frank mini spiral notebook with a cotton-candy scratch-'n'-sniff sticker that contained endless shitty six year old drawings of Brittney. I can even recall a page where I wrote, "Britney is my idol." and "Britney is so pritty." Yeah. She was my hero. Well, until she had her midlife crisis and shaved off all her hair. Excuse me, I'm getting ahead of myself. That's years from where I'm talking, man.

 Where was I? Oh yes, preschool.Preschool wasn't all that bad for me. From what I can remember, I had two main friends. One named Jacob who used to get so excited to see his mom that he would push me down the stairs and one named Anthony who freakishly resembled Carrot Top. I was quite the popular kid. At least I thought I was back then. As you're soon about to see, the theme of me overestimating my popularity is definitely a recurring one.

 To be frank, I don't remember much of Pre-K to the first half of my third grade year. It's all a blur. But hey, let's skip to first.

 First grade was a bad year for me. Not only was I one of the only kids who could barely read, but nobody really liked me. I was that weird kid who gave numbers personalities and looked like pregnant Jessica Simpson by age five. I was absolutely convinced that when I turned five, it would be my "Diamond Age". To be honest, I don't even remember what the hell I was expecting from five, but I can promise you I didn't get it.

 First grade was the start of my tendency toward toxic friendships. I was absolutely determined to be friends with the most popular girl in Mrs. Ross' first grade class. Miranda. Miranda was a nice girl and she was never rude to me or anything, but she definitely avoided me like wildfire if she could. She just did it subtly.

 I wasn't the only girl longing to be best friends with Miranda though. There was another girl named Kayla who was disliked for reasons other than mine. Bitch was so hairy that she was basically the class pet. Well, Kayla and I had never hated each other until we had to compete for Miranda's attention (we weren't going to get it anyway, honestly). She was even involved with the first time I was ever scolded by someone other than my parents. I may or may not have violently pushed her out of a chair at the lunch table so I could sit next to Miranda. And she may or may not have ran to poor Mrs. Ross bawling. But  But hey, I didn't care. I got my seat next to Miranda.

 By the end of first grade, I had my first drop of self esteem. Kayla and I had realized that Miranda was not interested at all. In fact, we humiliated her. That was when I understood how cliques and popularity worked in school and what they meant. They meant that I was doomed to be the loser of the class every year at that school. That most people were never going to like me.

 Don't worry, I wasn't much more popular in second grade. This time I actually had friends though. A girl named Mercedes and another named Sidney. Mercedes was new to the school, so she had no idea what a loser I was considered. As for Sidney, I felt honored to be her friend. The previous year, SHE had been Miranda's best friend. So I couldn't begin to fathom why she would talk to a loser like me. I just went with it.

  Another recurring theme of this story would be toxic friendships. Oh, my english teacher would be so proud of me! Look at me, analyzing literature! (silent gag)

 Even though we were little and our friendship only lasted a year, Mercedes and Sidney left a permanent impact on me. I still struggle with normal friendships to this day because of them. Maybe I'm too oversensitive, but it doesn't change how I am. The three of us were a trio. We were a pack. Inseperable. It was all of us, or none of us. We wouldn't have it any other way. At least... that's how we were to other people. Within the group, we were completely separated. Each day, someone was someone else's favourite. We couldn't all be equal with each other. There always had to be two on top. I was rarely one of those two. I always was competing for their attention, only for Sidney to tell me I was too weird or embarrassing to be my favourite. Or for Mercedes to call me fat. Tell me I was too ugly to be her best friend. That her best friend had to be as pretty as she was. Apparently, I just didn't rank up in their eyes. But I wanted to, oh so badly.