WHAT

Summer Of 2022

Based off of a poem I wrote a month ago.

             I cannot remember much from then, it feels like it happened forever ago. I keep thinking summer break was a fear years ago, maybe 3 years ago but in reality it was only last year. I remember it fondly, even if the distances I walked gave me callouses. Then, I was entirely different. I wasn't who I am now.
          I remember beautiful sunsets, almost amber colored. They were more golden than amber but I still adored their beauty. Then, I listened to music like Mother Mother, Vundabar and whatever else I listened to.
         But now, I listen to stuff like System of a Down, CAKE and other bands. I always listened to CAKE ever since a classmate of mine suggested I listened to it. I still walk distances that leave callouses. I still walk long distances in combat boots, returning home with the achiest legs imaginable.
          Then, I wouldn't care whether or not I got heat stroke. I stayed in the sun for so long that when I got home I felt lightheaded and my skin itched and burned. But when I returned to school people stopped using white as an insult because of how I tanned ever so slightly.
         I only walked the distance to see my friends, to pick flowers and to make sure I actually tanned.
         I'm not who I was then. Then, I was some stupid mindless bumbling idiot named "Jinx". I look back and wonder why the hell I called myself that. I look back and wonder why I was so damn weird.
        Nowadays, I'm going by Oliver or Ahote. I'm self-conscious about everything. I can't leave the house without leaving drenched in perfume, terrified I smell like shit. I can't wear anything without being scared shitless that people are taking pictures, laughing, making fun of me. I try my best to be well kept but people still bring up who I used to be. I can't rest sometimes thinking of it, I feel nauseous whenever I remember who I was and what I've done. I feel nauseous thinking of how I've ended up on Instagram pages. How I've made such a fool of myself.
             I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't until I was picked on so much that I started skipping chunks of school hoping to God that people would just pretend it never happened. Even when I tried to change people brought it up. I don't know whether or not to call it bullying. It happened almost constantly until the school year was about to be over.
            Summer was lonely and miserable. I don't look back on it fondly. I can't even remember it.