Without You

In My head

It had been a few days since the skz code filming. An episode he was sure wouldn't see the light of day after he chucked the fit he did during it.

He didn't mean to, it just got too much to handle. And it wasn't even the member's fault. It was that stupid game the producers got him to play.

Changbin hated it whenever they'd bring up photos from debut not happy with how scrawny he believed he looked and how so often he was laughed at for even suggesting (even as a joke) he was the visual member. Part of the reason he began to work out more.

Only that day they didn't want them to just go through old photos and reminisce which he would gladly do with his members alone. No, they wanted them to try on stage outfits from then and he knew the moment they brought it out he wouldn't fit into it.

And he was right. He'd struggled so hard just to get into the black button-up. Why did they even still have this? He felt like his arms were going to explode out of it any second. It wouldn't even button up despite trying so hard. The pants were a whole other issue. The tight leather pants just wouldn't budge. He felt hot trying to squeeze his legs into one of the tiny leg holes. One of his members joking he'd gotten too buff for his old clothes.

He knew they sincerely meant it in jest. Loved how he looked and so did he until he was stuck here barely able to reach forward the fabric of the shirt making it impossible to move.

He started sweating at how hard he was pulling and was getting rather worked up watching how his members slipped into their old outfits with near ease. At most Chan's arms sat tight in his shirt laughing at how they looked or Hyunjin's and Jeongin's pants sitting high above their ankles at how much they'd shot up since then.

But he couldn't see past the fact he couldn't get these stupid pants on and when he tried once more he felt the fabric of the shirt tear right down the back.

He'd stopped breathing for a moment when Felix had come over and asked if he needed help. And he didn't mean to but he yelled at him, told him not to touch him. And the small freckled boy had stepped back startled at how loud he'd yelled eyes watering quickly.

The room was quiet watching as he struggled with the item of clothing. Felix wanted to reach out again but was scared of being yelled at once more.

He tried so desperately to now pull the stupid pant leg that had gotten stuck so far up off him proving even harder than it was to initially get it on making him more agitated. He could feel the air con blowing and hitting his back reminding him that he'd torn the shirt and could feel the hem of the pants start to dig into his skin making him feel trapped.

so when another member approached he burst and told everyone to fuck off and threw the now stretched-out pants as far from him as he could before storming out.

walking out of the studio as quickly as possible he couldn't ignore the feeling of both the member's and staff's eyes burning holes into the back of his head.

He knew he'd fucked up the moment he was in the quiet of their dressing room. His eyes were hot and wet as he stared at himself in the mirror at the ripped long sleeve barely clinging to his body the thin shorts and singlet he'd been wearing underneath made him feel far too exposed.

He didn't even wait for the other members that day before leaving and shutting himself up in his room as soon as he got home.

Changbin had apologised the next morning as he sat awkwardly with them for breakfast, feeling bad for being so unprofessional and cruel to his members. Felix hugged him tight and told him it was okay. but he still felt the lingering shame from not being able to fit into his old outfit and for his outburst.