Hi! My name is Joseph. I'm a 17 year old depressed kid. Hahaha. Depression, what is it? Depression's dictionary meaning may mean 'strong sadness' but in my eyes, it's the feeling when you lose someone you love and your heart just hurts, it hurts emotionally and physically. It just mentally affects you. It's caused by many reasons, silly or serious but at the end of the day you feel like satan is burning your heart with the strong fires of hell. That's how I felt for 3 years. Since i was 14 I've never had a real smile on my face. The slightest things in life can make you happy or sad, make you feel alive or dead. My mom thinks I drool in my sleep but the water on my pillow is actually tears. The stains on the knife isn't ketchup, its my blood. I look at my scars everyday and wonder 'How am I still alive.'
I lived in San Francisco, California with my parents and older sister 'Sarah'.
My sister was the person I loved the most. I broke down when she walked up on stage to get her diploma. The best part about that was I could barely talk to her. When there was any chance that I could call her, I would take it even if it was for 30 seconds. Hearing her voice made me smile but it wasn't the same as talking to her face to face. Until one day she stopped calling. I never knew why she stopped I didn't know if she died or if anything happened to her. My parents wouldn't tell me what was going on. All I could hear at night is my mother crying and saying 'What have I done?' like it was her fault. This was just the beginning of my deep depression.
I hated my life. I had no one there to comfort me. I had a best friend named 'Brody'. I repeat had. We were really close but he was an obnoxious, self-centered bitch. He was that person who made you feel like you were important and then crushes you down. We've all had that person. After we fought there was one person that still made me feel like I belong. His name was Sam. Brody strikes once again and takes him away from me. I have already lost 3 people in my life in less than a year. I felt like I was nothing, like I wasn't needed and that there was no reason to live. My parents fight constantly and don't ever talk to me. I just go to the park and look at the sky and ask myself 'Am I already in hell?'
I was about 15 then and I didn't know who I was. I thought that if I cut myself that I would eventually heal and if I just run away from my fears I'll finally be happy. I did both and nothing good ever happened out of both. I still cry, I still feel pain, and I still don't have anyone.
I grew to be such a clingy person who can't handle being alone. I always need someone there with me but I have had no one but a knife and a pillow for the past 3 years. I have done horrible things. I have watched people I loved die right in front of me. I was afraid, fear was my worst enemy. I slept on the streets, had to hook up with strangers just so I can sleep in a bed for a night. I have found one person that I loved so much and I almost lost that person. Well anyways I already did.
