Personal vents

1

My name is Ash, i'm a transgender 11 yr old who is probably going to die soon. I'm completly fine with that fact but until then I have to live in the personal hell god gifted to me. I'm tired of eating and sometimes eat nothing or one snack a day yet get called 'fat' or an 'elephant' by my friends and family. I don't feel empathy so I make up for it by creating my own way of it and relating to other peoples vents instead. People forget and call me by my dead name sometimes on purpose, and my own family finds me anoyying, weird, fat and tells me to my face that i'm a mistake or that they hate me. Infact sometimes my own parents joke about putting me up for adoption, I lost my best friend because of my own stupid actions and deny any sort of love left in my heart because I find it only ever leads to pain.

I dont even know why i'm like this. I've been SH ever since I was 8-9 and cant stop my mind from becoming an empty space with too much room to think and yet I never do, it feels like my mind is a fog machine sometimes, it just does stuff not thinking twice about what it could do. Like how I couldn't even stop and think before telling my best friend I had been SH only for them to betray me and tell an adult without consent. Or how they couldn't even bother to see that I was only ever trying to help. I let them vent to me for years and years becoming so used to it I could guess things like crushes and if they were down with ease never realising how much I fell for them. I became kind of akward around them after all of this passed and now I have to end it again because i've been rejecting my heart for so long I cant feel love anymore, the warmth of having somebody love you is gone and I cant get it back no matter how hard I try. I'm sure my current teachers have noticed my behavior changes throughout the years but they haven't exactly asked me anything yet.

I like to hold my breath, seeing if I might be able to stop the airway from working and try breaking my jaw by always leaning on it in weird positions. At this point im just pretending im scared of things like heights, the dark, clowns ect bc I don't want to seem a bit too welcoming to death. 

My father made me cry today, I never cry infront of people especially family. It just shows weakness he made a dent in my door with a kitchen knife, now every time I see that knife theres a few intrusive thoughts all based on me finding ways to kill ny father.