I don't know if it was the lonely Saturdays
or the quietness from my phone ,
That made me realise that,
i was left all alone again.
Girls only Saturday turned into
date nights that ended with eyes
full of love and sometimes tears.
My best friend ,if i could say
started to throw away:
Every gift i got her.
Every chance that we could spend together.
The sleepless night we spent talking.
The city walks that we repeated at least twice a day.
She replaced it with:
Make out sessions with her stupid boyfriend
Complains of why i don't like him
And only texting me when they've gotten into a fight.
Not telling what happened of course,
but to read her tarot
The amount of hate i have for those little cards,
to the point where it's too much like jealousy.
"I won't leave you, i promise" - she said
I bet
The only times we talk or hang out is when he is busy.
Yet somehow when he hears she is out.
Not even an hour later the phone rings:
"Baby I'm downstairs come unlock the door for me"
This asshole i wish he didn't exist sometimes.
Our latest argument
over the same topic obviously
That he didn't have anyone to hangout
and she couldn't just leave him alone.
What about me?
She is my only friend.
Besides my cat but even he is sick of me
always staying home and sleeping.
I don't even wanna start the topic of my old friend group,
a tragedy for me since hiding your emotions
doesn't teach you how to protect yourself.
But she did?
And in an instance my finger slipped:
"Well unlike me, your friend X likes him so much that he want to fuck him , u can hangout with him too yk"
And suddenly i was the rude one
I guess i was made to be the emotionless witch ,
that faints in secret because of her weak heart.
I can always do what I'm best at according to my dad.
To ghost her and pretend that I don't know her until i completely forget her.
But it's hard .
"You'll grow out of it"
But she promised.
She made me trust someone again.
She took me out of my comfort zone.
She talked about our future together.
She made me feel something again.
I can't just leave it like that.
But I'm too weak .
Even as I'm writing this my chest feels heavy.
Breathing gets harder .
And salty tears are rolling down my face.
I guess i can always try to kill myself again.
But i wish that somebody would care.
Somebody would run in the rain for me.
Wouldn't run away when i close my shell.
Wouldn't be scared of my honest thoughts.
Would put me as their first choice.
But the world is cruel and I'm just a grain of rice.
