Joshua.

1 - When I Saw Him

            Waking up alone can be relieving and lonely. Waking up to warmth used to feel overbearing but now, as I wake up to cold sheets next to me, I miss that warmth I once had. When I first wake up in the morning I often forget that he's not there anymore and I become sad when I feel nothing but the air where he used to lay. It's been two months since the break and I must see him today for the first time since it happened. The thought of seeing him makes me feel a pit in my stomach as well as lingering butterflies from my earlier feelings towards him.

            My best friend is getting married today to Joshua's brother.

Joshua.

            Even the thought of his name still brings back memories. Joshua was the true love of my life. After everything I had gone through I had found him and he made me feel the best I have ever felt in my entire life. And then, soon after, the worst.

            Getting out of my cold bed I find myself getting ready to meet up with Catherine to help her get ready for the wedding. As the maid of honor I have to meet earlier with her than the others. Joshua is Andrew's, Catherine's Fiancé, best man as well. As if I wasn't already dreading just seeing him, I now had to dread holding hands as we walked down the aisle together. I throw on a quick outfit to wear to and from the venue and grab my already packed bag for the day. Knowing my dress was already at the venue, I grabbed an energy drink and apple to eat on the way there. I slowly walked down to my car since I was still tired from tossing and turning in bed all night. The drive was quick and easy from my apartment to the venue that was in Monterey California. I could see Catherine's lonely car in the lot and parked to the right of it. It was nine in the morning and the wedding was at noon. I sat in the car for a minute to compose myself before I stepped into a day that will possibly be very hard for me. Breathing out of my open mouth, I open the door and get ready to go into the venue.

            The inside of the venue is on the smaller side, to Catherine's request, but had a charm to it that reminded me of her and Andrew both. I truly was happy for the two of them. I just wish I wouldn't have to see Joshua while the wound is still healing. I turn into the dressing room and see Catherine's smiling face in the mirror.

"Good morning my favorite maid of honor!" she exclaimed with her arms spread open for a hug.

"Good morning my favorite bride to be!" I said while accepting the hug.

            Stepping back I see her face with half of her makeup on and her hair in a very messy bun that I can only assume was done right before she left her house.

"Everything is set up for the wedding so all we have to do is get ready and prepare for the day," Catherine started to say and then continued, "speaking of preparation, are you ready to see Joshua?"

"I don't know why I wouldn't be," I shrugged. I had convinced myself that if I didn't think about him then it wouldn't be a big deal when I saw him.

"Lyla, don't be silly I know it's messing with you."

"Nope! Not at all Cate. I haven't thought about seeing him at all."

"Ok then Lyla."

            I know that she wanted me to talk about it but I wasn't ready to give in just yet. Maybe in an hour but definitely not now.

            We talked in lighthearted chatter while we did our makeup with Taylor Swift playing softly in the background. We were alone with ourselves for an hour until the rest of the wedding party started to shuffle in. Putting on the finishing touches of our makeup, the bridesmaids start to file in with their own makeup bags. Greeting them as they came in, we started working on our hair. I had offered to do Catherine's hair and she eagerly agreed. Calmingly I curled her hair with the curling iron, watching the curls fall gracefully down her back. One by one, I styled her whole head with perfect coils. I sprayed her hair with a layer of hair spray and we went to put her into her dress. By this time it was an hour until the wedding started. I was getting anxious but pushed it down to the pit of my stomach where I could ignore it with just a sip of my energy drink. I buttoned Catherine into her dress and she excitedly turned around to see herself in the mirror.

"I still can't get over how much I love this dress," she said while admiring herself in the mirror.

"It looks beautiful on you and the flowers we picked for your hair piece are going to compliment it perfectly."

"Thank you for doing this with me Lyla," she said with teary eyes.

"Of course Catherine. Don't cry now, you'll ruin your makeup," I said while hugging her to my chest. I wiped the tears from her cheeks and headed over to the other bridesmaids to get our own dresses on. We were all set to wear matching burnt orange gowns to match the wedding colors. With fifteen minutes left until the ceremony, Catherine pulls me aside.

"Lyla, are you sure you're ready to see him? Are you really ok to walk with him down the aisle?"

"No Catherine I'm not but I have to."

"You don't though, I can change things right now if it's all too much."

"I have to see him anyway and it's best if it's with other people around and not alone."

"Ok but please come talk to me if this becomes too overwhelming. You won't be bothering me I promise."

"Thank you Cate," I said with a smile. She gave me a knowing look and walked to get ready for her wedding. The bridesmaids had already walked out of the room to meet with their designated partner for the aisle. Taking a deep breath I look up at the door and there he is. My breath hitches and I am frozen in place. He's looking at me with an unreadable expression as I take his appearance in. His hair is parted down the middle and his face is cleanly shaved for the occasion. His suit is a light brown with an orange tie to match the bridal parties dresses. In his pocket is a boutonniere and in his hand is a corsage that I am assuming is for me. Meeting his eyes again I step forward.

"Lyla," he whispers as we walk towards each other. His voice fills me with anxiety that I can't seem to brush off this time.

"Joshua," I whisper back while I look up at him now being a foot in front of me.

"This is for you," he says while holding out the corsage. I hold up my wrist and he gently pulls it onto my wrist while his hand lingers on mine. I anticipated feeling anxious but I could never anticipate actually feeling it.

"Thank you."

"I- I would really like to talk to you at some point after the ceremony Lyla please," He asked me with an unconfident tone of voice. I could see the pleading in his eyes knowing he truly meant it but that wasn't enough for me. What is there to talk about? He ended it didn't he?

"Maybe," I firmly stated. He took my response well considering I think he was expecting a stern "no."

"I can take that. I think we should get going now, we don't want to hold up the wedding do we?"

"I guess not," I reply with a forced and uncomfortable smile. At this point he fully takes my hand and walks me out of the door and to the entrance of the wedding. I can see the rest of the wedding party's eyes on me as we walk to the front of the line. "It's ok," I tell myself, "you're ok, It'll all be over soon."