The Incredible True Adventures of Two Elves in Love

Short Story

Chapter One

"No, no, no, no. It can't be true," my mom exclaims. "What will everyone say? What did we do wrong?"

My mom clutches her heart. She's overly dramatic sometimes, even for an elf.

She looks over at my dad. "Clarence, will you please talk some sense into your headstrong daughter? I will not have any child of mind adopting the disgusting habits of those boorish humans."

"Mom, that's rude. The humans are okay. Geez, have you forgotten Santa is a human? We could learn a lot from them. In fact..."

My mom doesn't let me finish before launching into her next tirade. "I would rather you be a whore on the ice than—what do those garish humans call it—ah yes, lesbianism. I forbid you to be a lesbian."

"That's overly dramatic, even for you, Mom."

"Don't be flippant, Tinsel."

"Sorry, Mom, but we don't have prostitutes here in Santa's Village. I think the saying is actually whore on the streets."

"You are an impertinent child. We don't have streets, Tinsel, and I know we don't have prostitutes here. Thank goodness for that, but you get my point."

I've just told my parents I've fallen in love and won't marry Ernie because I'm in love with a girl elf. I'm pretty sure this has never happened to one of Santa's elves.

Rudolph definitely did not capture the market on feeling completely ostracized. You know how it was for him. They made his life miserable, always making fun of him and not letting him play any reindeer games. At least Rudolf wasn't gay.

In my case, relegating me to outsider status took the form of calling me that weirdo and keeping me from all their stupid elf games. I wasn't interested anyway, but I wanted to stay close to Veronica. She was so beautiful, and I had a major crush on her. That should have been my first clue. Of course, they only made fun of me until Ernie took an interest, and then suddenly, I am miraculously Ms. Popularity.

Ernie is the stud of Santa's Village and the most eligible elf in the entire village. Out of all the other female elves, he picked me. During the off-season, he has his own snowmobile business, and my parents were ecstatic about our upcoming nuptials.

"I don't see anything wrong with being a lesbian elf. Did you know they think at least ten percent of the human population is gay, and I've met some other gay elves?"

"Who corrupted you? Was it that tasteless hussy, Towanda?"

"Ew, no. Mom, it isn't any of Santa's elves."

Towanda is one of the leaders of the Pick on Tinsel Club. Plus, she's kind of homely and has somewhat rounded ears.

"What? Don't tell me one of those vile Peebler elves corrupted you?" Mom scrunched up her face. I've seen that look before—she makes that look when she's detected a foul odor in the air, like when my dad farts or when she's totally disgusted about something. The truth is that my mom is a snob. She thinks that Santa's elves are much better than Peebler elves.

I sigh. I know I'm in for a long night. "Esmie is not vile. She's beautiful, intelligent, kind, and loving. I will not sit here and listen to your racist views about the Peebler elves."

"Clarence, now look what's happened. I told you we never should have let her sign up for that student exchange program. I told you no good would come of our precious daughter cavorting with those forest-loving heathens. What do you expect when they live in hollowed-out trees? It's so dirty and disgusting, not like our clean white snow. Now look what's happened...she's turned into a lesbian elf."