Invisible String

Chapter One- Time, Curious Time

Stefani

"Shot, shot, shot!"

The chanting is completely unnecessary (Natali's most definitely the ring leader) and there's a headache already forming at the edges of her temples, but Stefani dutifully plays along. She's a good sport (or at least she wants everyone to think she is), so she only gives the smallest of eye rolls before lifting the offending object high in the air like she's the motherfucking Statue of Liberty.

"Bottom's up," she shrugs and there's a collective cheer as she tips her head back, grimacing when the tequila burns the back of her throat.

She should be having way more fun than she actually is. The place was closed down for them and it's her closest friends and Nat and club beats that she normally loves. Normally, such an atmosphere would have her dancing and free in a way that she can't be all the time (the copious amounts of top shelf liquor don't hurt, either) and she can't really wrap her brain around why the whole evening feels as pleasurable as a root canal.

Actually, she's mildly surprised Natali hasn't figured out she's completely phoning it in. She's usually the very first person to call her on anything; the woman had a built in bullshit detector that rivaled even their father's. It's more than likely the alcohol. She can always tell when Natali's buzzed, how her eyes go soft and glassy.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Natali reaches around, smacking the surface of the bar with an open palm. "This is the happiest time of your life!"

A true statement, maybe, but it stings anyway, a kind of paper cut underneath the surface. Natali didn't mean anything by it; off handed in a way that's aided by the drinking and it's not like she can eloquently convey the "why" behind the whole thing. She'd always been a firm believer that you had to work hard to create your own happiness and on paper, she had every reason to be content.

The engagement, too, wasn't a surprise... it was something that was on the table for awhile, discussed and planned as an inevitable next step for a long relationship. Career wise, she was at the very top of her game, nothing had ever been better. To ask for more seemed almost foolish and she was raised to count her blessings. Here today, gone tomorrow, as her mother likes to say.

Even with the best intentions to appreciate life as it was, she couldn't help the gut feeling that something was missing. A weird, inexplicable ache that buried itself into the deepest pit of her stomach, that never quite settled. Something so disconcertingly uncomfortable that it kept her up at night sometimes.

The old Stef would probably drink to displace the feeling. It was easier back then to be numb instead of trying to process. She's really fucking uncertain how to take off with this when there's no way to even find the beginning of the proverbial knot, but doing shots until she puked wasn't it. Progress, to be sure, and she's vaguely proud of herself for recognizing it as such.

Willing herself back to the present moment, she smiles, catches the gleam of the diamond that sits on her finger through the dim light. Ignore that eating away sensation, drink up, be appreciative; look what everyone's done so you'll be happy.

Anger towards herself isn't anything new. As most people tend to be, she's her own harshest critic and yet, this is anger mixed with confusion. It isn't a side effect of depression; she's sure of that. There's no all too familiar hopelessness, in fact, other than the sense something is missing, she's good.

It's really frustrating, so much so that she doesn't want to think about it anymore. And if that means faking it, well, that's what she'll have to do.

By the end of the night, she's flushed from dancing, coupled with the extra couple of shots Natali's foisted upon her and she's in much better spirits. There's no pretending she's having the time of her life, but a vast improvement, nonetheless.