[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[46.] Through psychotic break. [TW]

Note:

I am placing a TRIGGER WARNING  for depiction of anxiety attack/panic attack.

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Jiang Cheng was listening to the beautiful words, fascinated. His eyes were searching the gentle features of that sad face for any pretense, any lie, a trick  –   a trap perhaps? 

He lisped feverishly, eyes wide and burning:

- I have nothing and no one right now. I will have nowhere to go if you throw me out... My parents are too proud to take me back. The Clans think I am a joke... As long as my father is Clan Leader of the Yunmeng Jiang Clan  -   I am nobody. Ironically, the only person who would care, would be the person I care least about  –  my brother, who is not even my real brother... This is my life. Do you understand?

Lan Xichen nodded sadly. Suddenly he realized that Jiang Cheng was terrified. 

He was digging his fingers in his shoulders now, babbling fast and sharp, as if running high fever for real:

- It is not possible...it is not even probable that you like me the way I am. There is no way your family will accept a child of mine... My own Clan gave me away to you precisely because you are what you are, Lan Xichen  -  notoriously cold, and distant, and reserved. I was... I was sacrificed for the war, as a tribute... as... offering... to you... and to your Clan....  –  his tears were falling silently, but he had no strength to wipe them away.  –  I was given away in the hope, in the knowledge, with the certainty that you'd never even have to see me naked.

Lan Huan's eyes were overflowing with tears too, just like his heart was overflowing with pain. He knew these things, he understood. The only thing he could do was to hold him tight and caress his sides.

Finally, he said simply:

- I can only give you my love. I can only keep my vows to you. I cannot change people's hearts and minds. I only wish to give you happiness and joy. And I am failing miserably, Sandu Shengshou... I see your soul is heavy with sorrow and anguish... Forgive me. Please, forgive me...

- Maybe a month of happiness is all I get... maybe it is enough... maybe it is all I deserve...  -   Jiang Cheng mumbled to himself, blind and deaf now.

A sudden hot wave rushed through his body, and it felt freezing cold, and he pushed Lan Xichen away from himself, breaking their hug, panting and breathless. He fell on his back and his hand clutched at his chest  –   he had the distinct feeling that his heart was going to stop beating any second now. 

He was running out of air  –  he started choking, unable to say a single word, to make even a sound.

It felt like he could taste his death in his mouth. He opened his eyes wide, growing cold, growing pale.

Lan Huan immediately leaned over him, worried sick. He was watching him in agony, wondering how to help him. 

He hugged him, refusing to let go this time, and whispered in his ear:

- Breathe, my love, please, breathe... Don't leave me, my love... Wanyin, you promised me children... Please, husband... Let's get old together... I don't care about the damned Clans. All I care about is you... All I care about is us... Please, don't leave... Please, stay with me... Please be with me...

- Let me go, Lan Huan... I am useless.  -  Jiang Cheng murmured with effort, choking and fighting for breath.

- Never, never... Never...  -   Zewu-Jun was lulling him in his arms, kissing his hair stubbornly, holding him very tight. – Breathe for me, my lovely... Live for me... I love you, Wanyin. You are my husband. You are my home... I love you, Sandu Shengshou... You are the one for me.

Jiang Cheng could feel his heart beat with difficulty, and it hurt, it hurt physically. His lungs were fighting for air and it hurt too. His husband was squeezing him in his suffocating embrace, pressing his body to his own, almost cracking his ribs. 

...and in one horrible moment he wished strongly that he would just squeeze a little tighter and break him, smash flesh and bones together and kill him, put him out of his misery.

He smiled. He knew that Lan Xichen could do it easily.